Anxiety Attack

Chapter 1: Missing

Chapter 2: Home

Chapter 3: Surprise Meeting

Chapter 4: Reunion

Chapter 5: Closure

Chapter 6: The Car

Chapter 7: Clocks

Chapter 8: Night Out

Chapter 9: The Break Up

Chapter 10: Panic Attack

Chapter 11: The Job Offer

Chapter 12: The Smurfs

Chapter 13: The Boat

Chapter 14: The Explosion

Chapter 15: The Arrest

Chapter 1:  Missing

The grainy face of an attractive man who looked to be in his mid-thirties, stared out of the police notice, pinned to the well-worn surface of a timber. The wooden beam made up the structure of a cosy English public house.

The beam had probably last been a tree a few hundred years ago when the Pub was built and the mellow polish on the uneven wood highlighted the stark black letters printed on the poster.

POLICE NOTICE

POLICE ARE REQUESTING ANY INFORMATION ON THE LAST KNOWN MOVEMENTS OF JAMIE BRUCE LAST SEEN LEAVING THIS ESTABLISHMENT ON OCTOBER 24TH.

Located in a back street just off Sloane Square, the establishment mentioned above was called The Chelsea Ram and was just starting to fill up with the daily mix of tourists having a break from their shopping exertions and work colleagues taking their lunch break.

Just then the solid wood door leading onto the street outside creaked open and a woman entered and walked over to the bar. The young Australian working behind the bar obviously recognised her and smiled and asked if she wanted her usual. She nodded and he poured her a large glass of Chardonnay, from a bottle in the fridge.

She walked over to the last remaining free circular table that tilted to one side on the un-even flagstone floor. The beam was located to the left of where she was headed and she suddenly observed the notice.  She took a sharp intake of breath and her pretty face furrowed showing worry lines etched in her forehead. She sat down and quickly looked away from the face in the centre of the paper.

The lady took a large slug out of the glass that was shining in the light from the window next to her table illuminating the cool clear liquid inside. She took several deep breaths as if attempting to draw the oxygen deep into her stomach; she took another sip of the wine.

She was wearing a red winter coat with a black fur collar that showed off her blond colourings, looking more composed she now removed her coat to reveal a short black wool dress and leggings which together enhanced her slim figure and revealed long legs.

She looked over at the old polished wood bar with the ale taps and could still see the man in the poster grinning at her. She had been in here with Adam, thinking she was the cat that had the cream; she was wearing a beautiful new dress he had given her, high on whatever she had just put up her nose. She shivered in horror at the memory of how callous she had been. She had been out on the arm of Adam, smiling happily to have him back again, when she was married to another man.

There was a large group of Adam’s “hangers on” in the pub. They had come for a drink before going on to his expensive eatery on the Kings Road, they were all high and then one of the girlfriends of his mate Tim had started dancing on a chair to Katie Perry who was playing on the sound system. She was giggling at the girl who looked ridiculous when Jamie came over to take her order.

He leaned over the bar and grinned at her in that easy way of his. “What can I get you?”

“Vodka Tonic please,” she said then started the giggling as the girl had now started singing and she rolled her eyes at the friendly bartender. Jamie looked over at the big bosomed girl, Veronica, who now totally believed she WAS Katie Perry.

““Lord what fools these mortals be;”” he said drolly.

She looked at him sharply. “Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act 3 scene 4.”

“Scene 2 actually,” he retorted grinning.

“OK, I am rusty.”

“You a Shakespeare fan?”

“Studied it as University,” she replied smiling.

“Me too,” he said, “well that is to say I am studying it at Uni.”

“Oh,” she said, “A mature student?”

He feigned insult; “excuse me, not that mature!”

She laughed and watched as he prepared her gin and tonic pushing a glass up against the optic containing the vodka. He was very attractive she thought, of course in a more casual way than Adam. He had light brown curly hair that was worn long down his neck and looking at him she noticed his eyes were a really unusual shade of green, he had high cheekbones and a strong chin which made his face look almost sculpted.

“So why are you working in this place?” she asked.

“Tuition fees,” he said with an over exaggerated sigh, a poor student has to make ends meet somehow.”

He placed her drink down on the bar, “Cheers” she said taking a sip.

“Off somewhere nice?” he asked.

“Just to one of Adam’s restaurants up the road.”

“Are you his girlfriend?”

She hesitated, “Well sort of.”

“Sort of,” he said mocking her, “That sounds like a good relationship.”

“The course of true Love never did run smooth,” she shouted at him as she left the bar and made her way back to the group.

“Act 1 Scene 1,” he called after her.

Beth now put her head in her hands and smiled at the memory, how could he be gone. She felt nausea well in the pit of her stomach. She had been in a bubble and suddenly she had been brought crashing back down to earth by Jamie.

The old wooden door groaned open again admitting a man wearing a grey suit with an open neck shirt, the way the suit fell effortlessly over his toned physique shouted that is was expensive. He walked straight to the bar with easy confidence and shook the hand of the barman.

“Hey Jed,” he said with a charming smile to Jamie’s replacement, “Busy today?”

“It’s been steady;” was the reply.

“Good, I’ll take the accounts when I leave, Beth here?” The barman nodded over to her table, “Great bring me a tonic water will you.”

Smiling he approached the woman at the table; “Darling,” he had an upper-class British accent; “you look beautiful as always,” and he leaned over and brushed her lips with her own and sat down.”

His drink arrived and he looked around the crowded bar where people’s food was starting to arrive, he grabbed her hand possessively and stared into her face. “Great little business this; never empty with all the riff-raff coming in to stuff their faces with fish and chips and pints of Lager.” He laughed. “Speaking of which darling you have started early,” nodding at the wine, he laughed in a nonchalant way as if he was reprimanding a naughty child.

Beth gazed at the man who she had been in love with for over 10 years, his foot was tapping the floor a habit which she always thought was a sign of all his pent up energy, even when sitting down he could not be still. His face wasn’t exactly film star handsome but he just had this aura of innate confidence or arrogance she had never decided which, that made him irresistible. His casual manner combined with the public school boy charm was a magnet to women. When she had been his girlfriend all those years ago whenever they were out she had secretly squirmed watching all the women flock to him and him pushing all the right buttons that made them weak at the knees.

She glanced over at the Police poster, “yes darling I needed a drink after seeing that.” She tried to sound casual though inside she was a tangle of grief. “When did they put that up?”

“Oh yes,” he said lowering his voice, “poor darling it must have brought back some bad memories for you.”

“Fuck Adam,” she hissed at him, “Bad memories don’t cut this, I almost died and where is Jamie? He was only doing what you told him, he never wanted to be part of this. I can’t deal with this anymore, we have to tell someone.”

Adam smiled and ran a hand through his beautiful thick hair pushing back the hair which fell in front of his eyes and despite herself she remembered how hot she used to find this gesture, he pursed his lips which she had kissed a million times and mad a “tut tut” sound between his teeth. He jumped up from the table and pulled her up by her waist as if he was taking her to the dance floor, then led her to a door beside the bar.

“Jed” he said casually, “Anyone upstairs?”

“No boss.”

“OK give us some privacy for a few minutes will you,” he said grinning garishly.

Once through the door, he pulled her up the uneven stairs over the garishly large patterned carpet on the stairs.

He pulled her into the office that sat under the low roof of the centuries old building and slammed the door. He threw her against the desk and looked at her like a predator evaluating his prey, for the first time she felt scared of him like she had just seen the wolf hidden in sheep’s clothing.

She started to feel the familiar tightening of her chest and the feeling of not being able to breathe and she saw that he could see her struggling to inhale. He forced her back against the desk and kissed her passionately while dragging her long hair back in his fist so she could not move her face away.

She cursed the demons inside her head that had led her back into this world. Why did they always drag her back into hell, when she wanted so much to be free and to be able to live her life without pain and fear? She tried to imagine how she would ever find her way back out of this mess.

Chapter 2:  Home

Beth was asleep wrapped in the warm duvet of her bed in an attractive Victorian terraced house in Clapham, south London. Her husband, Will was snoring beside her.

The light started to filter in through the floral curtains in the bay window of the bedroom. Beth’s eyes flickered open as awareness suddenly crept over her. She groaned and turned over trying to slip back into sleep’s blissful oblivion.

Then she became aware of her daughter crying in the next door room and her eyes snapped open. Something did not feel quite right in her head and the unwanted thoughts started to flood into her consciousness. She had not done something correctly last night and she needed to put it right.

She sat up in bed and tried to get her breathing under control as she felt her heart palpitating, her daughters crying escalated. She could feel her husband starting to wake beside her. She jumped up and went into the bathroom and washed her hands. Sometimes washing her hands made the bad thoughts go away.

She had been up twice in the night with Meghan’s nightmares and she felt exhausted and she was worried that one of her bad thoughts that had gripped her in the middle of the night were still there and were going to harm her daughter. She washed her hands again and said one of the mantras in her head that she thought would make everything OK again.

Perhaps if she went back to bed and got up again it would be OK. Her daughter’s crying was now a shrill scream. She got back into bed, said a mantra then got up again.

“For fuck´s sake Beth,” came the voice of her husband, “not this again.”

She felt tears prick the back of her eyes and the normal feeling of desperation at how she could face another day. Then her daughter’s screams forced her into action as she went onto the landing. She shut the bedroom door and slapped herself hard on the face. She hated herself, how could she let her daughter cry like this.  Her face stinging from the slap she entered her daughter’s room.

The 2-year-old was standing up in her cot, her blond curly halo of hair around her cherubic little face which was wet with tears. She ran over and picked her up and kissed her face repeatedly, “sorry sweetie, sorry sorry, Mummy’s OK. Mummy’s OK. Her heart was beating so fast it felt like it would come through her chest and her daughter was still screaming. She couldn’t cope with the child’s screams it sent panic through her.

She put a smile on her face, took a deep breath and spoke to the child in her best calm voice. “Where is your bunny, oh here he is, look he’s saying Meghan please don’t cry. The child’s screaming reduced a pitch. “Yes Bunny says I want some milk, does Meghan want some milk?”

“Milk, Milk,” repeated the child.

“Right, you, me and bunny will go get some milk” she smiled, it was OK, she could do this. The little girl gave her a big hug and they set off for the kitchen.”

She heated up some milk and put it in a bottle for the little girl and settled her on the sofa while she put a cartoon on the TV. All was now calm and she went to make herself a coffee then returned to the little girl and sat her on her lap and gave her a big cuddle rubbing her nose in her sweet smelling hair.

“You OK?” Will entered their cosy little sitting room.

“Daddy,” shrieked the little girl and dislodged herself from her mother’s lap to run and cuddle the man standing in the door.

“Good morning little princess,” he picked her up and spun her around as he laughed delightedly. He was a tall, well-built guy with blond curly hair, he had a pleasant round face which was agreeable rather than handsome. He went over to the sofa and sat down next to his wife. “You need to go and get some help again?”

Despite the fact that Beth often craved help it was always intensely irritating to her when her husband suggested it, mainly because nothing ever really did help and he said it in such a way that it made her sound pathetic.

“What’s wrong?” he persisted.

“Nothing,” she sniffed.

“Come on,” he said I can see there is something on your mind,” all the hand washing again this morning, it drives me nuts, just tell me what’s wrong.”

As normal Beth found it impossible to articulate the terrible images that came into her head of things happening to her daughter, of things happening to her or Will, how could she even begin to explain the fact, that as soon as she woke up she felt fear?

In her therapy group, it had been explained to her that it was all due to the fact that she had an over-active Amygdala, this is the body’s anxiety switch, or as some people call it “fight or flight.” It is present in our minds since evolution began in order to give our primate ancestors the instinct to run away from a stampede of woolly mammoth but today it only gives us problems. In short Beth´s Amygdala was switched on and so her body felt like it was constantly in flight. A feeling of terror which sometimes she could equate to being chased by wild beasts.

She remembered leaving that particular therapy session quite upbeat, surely now she understood this and she knew why she felt the way she did surely it would all be better. She had tried yoga, meditation, mindfulness but in the end, she just didn’t feel strong enough to fight it. Hypersensitivity they called it, or OCD but her therapist encouraged them not to use labels. However, it came down to the fact that on a day to day basis she was unable to fight the thoughts in her head and after having Meghan a problem that had already been there had been exacerbated.

“I can’t explain Will, please don’t have a go at me and I tried all the therapy but I am just tired, it will be OK I promise.”

“I just want to understand Beth.”

“It’s nothing,” this is what Beth had said her whole life to people, sometimes she felt if she put all the anxiety into words it would in some way come true.

“Mama,” said Meghan climbing back on her lap.

Will made a snorting sound; “Well don’t say I haven’t tried Beth I am just trying to understand why you are like this.”  And with that, he stormed out. It was a continual source of frustration to Beth that despite sometimes feeling like you were consumed by so much pain that it would eat you up that no one ever sympathised, the people close to you just became frustrated and angry with you, she understood why it must be intensely irritating to those around you to see you acting in what to them was an inexplicable way but it often felt that you had the weight of the world on your shoulders and no one understood or cared.

The only person that seemed to accept her despite all her flaws, was her little daughter and then she worried what would happen if she began to see her Mummy wasn’t normal. Beth felt like she wanted to cry, but she could do that later, she must get Beth ready to go to her crèche. She went into the kitchen with the little child following on her heels.  “Want do you want to eat sweetie? Weetabix or toasty.”

“Bix,” replied the toddler who generally could only pronounce one syllable of each word. Beth smiled and put one of the wheat blocks into a bowl and poured some milk over it. She then put it into the microwave.

“Me do, me do,” shouted the little girl and Beth picked her up to press the “on” button, which she loved to do then watch the bowl go round and round.

She placed the girl into her high chair and then sat down at the table to spoon feed her at which point Will walked into the room.

“I won’t be home until late tonight, I am going to go and play squash with Paul and we are going for a few drinks afterwards, is that OK?”

“Yeah that’s fine,” she replied relieved despite herself to have an evening at home on her own with Meghan, “it will be nice for you to see Paul again, it’s been a while.”  Paul had been the best man at their wedding, she remembered Will telling her once after he had a few that he had not been in favour of them marrying just 6 months after they met. He had told his friend it would all end in tears.

Well had he been right? They got through the days with civility, they had a daughter, a home, they got by. Beth tried to remember when they had last had a proper conversation or laughed or made love and couldn’t. She knew she should try harder but there had been all those months after having Meghan when she didn’t feel able to leave the house then after therapy she had felt a bit better but it just felt that they had lost the ability to talk to each other. She knew he had tried but with having Meghan and all the sleepless nights and fighting her illness she just did not have the energy to try to make things work with Will.

She remembered first meeting him, he was the brother of Laura who worked in her office, they were having a drink in a snazzy cocktail bar after work. Laura’s phone had rung and she had a 5-minute conversation after which she announced, “sorry girls hope you don’t mind my brother is going to gate crash! He just called and is just a few minutes away, he just got back from a job in Dubai and he wants to pop in and say hi.”

“Is he fit?” giggled another of the crowd.

“Hands off, he’s my little brother.”

Will had arrived at the bar wearing jeans and a leather jacket, he was on his motorbike he explained.  He bought everyone drinks, and his curly mop of blond hair and big puppy dog brown eyes were very appealing, several of the girls were trying to chat him up.

But he only had eyes for Beth and still reeling from her split with Adam and warmed by a series of Mai Tais she suddenly felt like she was glowing in his appreciation. She gave him her number at the end of the evening and it led to him taking her out to dinner and a month later they were living together.

She felt so safe in his undisguised and uncomplicated perusal of her; it was so refreshing to the mind games with Adam. He was the first person that had made her feel safe and his devotion; Paul called it a “crazy infatuation” was like a drug to her.

Her anxiety was under control for the first time in years, she swapped partying and clubbing for cosy nights in and dinners in intimate restaurants and she felt this is what she had been looking for all her life.

He proposed on a surprise trip to Paris 3 months later, “no point waiting if you know it´s right,” he had said while down on one knee in the shadow of the Eiffel tower. Looking back it was all such a cliché and so crazy but when they got married in Chelsea Registry office 3 months later she could quite honestly say it had been the happiest 6 months of her life. When her doubting mind told her she was marrying a man she barely knew and had not much in common with she reflected that they had all their lives to get to know each other.

Anyway, she reflected, who was Beth?  Just a screwed up mess who had spent 5 years in a relationship which had led her into a dangerous downward spiral of partying and getting high. Was that who she was? No Will was going to be the new future for her, sensible, steady Will who loved her and didn’t expect anything from her. After they got married she had gone with him on a new posting to Dubai. He worked in finance and got a great job offer.

While some people might call it running from your issues Beth thought of it as walking into a better life. In Dubai Beth for the first time in her life did not have a job, Will said he would look after her, there was no need for her to work, and she should go out for lunch with the other ex-pat wives have fun.

This sounded like bliss initially but Beth found that being a lady “that lunches,” soon became very tedious. She realised that her mind needed a productive outlet if she were to quell the anxiety and without a distraction her hyper-sensitivity went into over-drive. She spent her whole time trying to repress intrusive thoughts and engaging in ever lengthening compulsions in order to alleviate the feelings of discomfort that fed into ever decreasing circles of dysfunctional thinking.

Will started to become aware of her increasingly strange behaviour and they started to argue a lot. Then she met Nicole the flamboyant wife of one of Will´s colleagues who sensing that Beth was lonely decided to take her under her wing. Nicole was totally outrageous and they would spend afternoons shopping in one of the vast retail malls before having long lunches where despite the nation’s disapproval of alcohol as a foreigner you could sit in one of the hotels and the wine flowed. Soon Beth was turning to alcohol as a way out of loneliness boredom and anxiety and Will started to notice the changes in her.

Suddenly the beautiful mannequin he thought he had married turned out to be a fraud, Beth tried to explain her problems to him and they did reconcile for a while, enough to conceive their daughter. Suddenly Beth’s worked changed she had chronic morning sickness; she felt weak and tired all of the time. Sensing that her new partner in crime was not going to be fun anymore Nicole found someone else to be outrageous with and Beth pleaded with Will to go home to England.

So they returned to London and bought their house in Clapham, Will getting a job he did not enjoy and since then they had tried to keep up a façade of a happy married couple but there was nothing left of the spark that had once brought them together. Beth reflected that her Knight in Shining armour who was to rescue her from herself had led her into a deeper hole.

It was not his fault any more than you could blame a child for getting bored of that big teddy bear they wanted so much when it sat in a toy shop. He had wanted the perfect wife and had ended up with something flawed which he did not understand. Beth reflected on the irony that at least Adam with all his flaws had been screwed up himself so he understood that you could not expect simplicity or perfection in anyone.

But now she had her daughter Beth was determined that the one thing she still had left was that she could be a good mother.

Will bending down to kiss Meghan brought her out of her reverie, and she suddenly saw her child’s perfect little hands grab her Daddy’s face and suddenly a wave of fear that something terrible would happen to her swept over her and she jumped up to wash her hands again to try to make the thought go away. Will looked at her in disgust and walked out the door without saying a word.

Chapter 3: Surprise Meeting

Beth stood on the escalator which was propelling the masses of people exiting the subway out of the dark tunnels which hid beneath the streets of London and out onto the pavement of Sloane Square.

She breathed a sigh of relief as she saw the first glimpse of sunlight and was free of the claustrophobic confines of the London tube system. It made her nervous but it was the only way she would have made it in time to meet her friend Abby in Oriels by 1pm.

It was one of Meghan’s days in the little crèche in a leafy street of Clapham and so she had a day to herself. She was late as always because she hadn’t been able to decide what to wear. Everything she put on felt wrong and she had become more and more frustrated.

She started to wish that she had not agreed to meet her friend but Abby always made her feel carefree and young again, taking her back to a time when she had not felt so anxious and wretched the whole time.

Of course she had always had feelings which she hadn’t understood, unwanted thoughts, rituals and the overwhelming wave of fear that sometimes hit her, but she had hidden them well and in the hedonistic blur of her early 20s working in marketing in Chelsea she had used drugs and alcohol to boost her confidence, no one would have known she was anything other than a confident young woman with a great career.

Her Jekyll and Hyde existence were unknown to anyone and when the feelings or comedowns were too bad she would hide herself away for a couple of days, feigning a hangover or cold.

It was only since having a child that there was no longer anywhere to hide and she had one day happened to read an article about anxiety disorders in a woman’s magazine in a hairdresser that she realised that how she felt maybe should not be a guilty secret but was a real condition.

Since Meghan had arrived she had never been so happy or such a wreck. Whilst the child was all and more she could ever have wished for and she was so blissfully happy to be a mother but at the same time the dramatic change in her life, the sleepless nights and worry at caring for a child had made the panic attacks get worse.

She had found a part time job when Meghan was a year old, remembering her time in Dubai she thought that working would distract her from her disability. However, after 3 months her boss had told her he didn’t think it was working and that maybe she should focus on being a mother for a while. She was always late for work and on some days the anxiety was too much to make it out of the house at all. One day she had a panic attack in the middle of a meeting with their most important client and an ambulance had to be called. Beth had been mortified.

Will had arrived at the hospital trying to be sympathetic but beneath his feigned concern, he could see his impatience and frustration that this beautiful woman he thought he had been so lucky to catch was so flawed.

Will’s inability to empathize meant she had turned to Abby for help and she had pointed her towards counselling and a mindfulness course and although she was a mother herself and ran her own successful business she tried to meet Beth often as with no job and Megan at crèche she felt empty and useless.

Oriels was buzzing when she entered, Beth loved the warm, wood-lined interior of the Brassiere with  wooden floors inside and the cosy glow which emanated from the brass lamps. Abby was already sat at a table by the window typing furiously on her I phone.

She jumped up when she saw Beth approaching, “Beth sweetie,” and hugged her. Beth felt the normal joy at having an hour ahead of her in Abby’s company, that and the prospect of sharing a bottle of wine and a good steak. “How are you?”

“Oh you know OK, had a bit of a blip this morning but I am doing better I think.” Beth knew this was a lie, no matter how much therapy, meditation and mindfulness she did she could never fully rid herself of the intrusive thoughts, which she tried to suppress. But people wanted to hear she was getting better, but the problem was that the only thing that made her feel better was a bottle of wine. She longed sometimes for the cannabis or coke hit that used to take her to another place and make her a more confident person but she had sworn to Will she wouldn’t after she had Meghan.

“That’s great Beth, that is grounds for celebration I reckon, wine­”

“Sounds like a good plan,” she smiled, “how’s business?”

Abby groaned, “too busy, but I suppose I can’t complain about that, cheers,” she took a sip of the chilled Chardonnay.

“I don’t know how you manage it with the two boys,”

“Multi-tasking,” grinned Abby, “But it’s not easy and we all have our moments,” She was sensing that Beth would be inwardly lambasting herself for not being able to do the same, “and sweetie everyone deals with motherhood in their own way, it’s not easy.”

“I just feel so useless,” retorted Beth, “We could really do with an extra salary to pay the mortgage, and I feel like if I am not working I should be a full-time Mum but Will thinks it is good for Meghan being in Crèche 3 days a week.”

Will and his mother had insisted Meghan be enrolled in an expensive daycare to give Beth some “rest,” which made her hate herself even more with the thought that they obviously did not think she was a fit mother.

As if reading her mind Abby enquired; “how are things between you and Will?”

“Oh getting better,” lied Beth. Abby had never approved of Will thinking he was too controlling of her, however after the car crash of her previous relationship Beth wanted to be wrapped up in cotton wool. She was exhausted from the constant partying, exhausted from the debilitating anxiety, exhausted from her job. She just wanted to curl into a ball and be looked after and in retrospect, she had jumped into a relationship with the first guy who had offered her the stability she was looking for. In hindsight, it was not a good basis on which to start a marriage.

They ordered steaks medium rare and sipped their wine, Abby flirted disgracefully with the attractive Italian waiter as they reminisced about old times and parties they had been to and men they had made out with.

All too soon Abby exclaimed, “crikey is that the time? I must shoot I have a conference call scheduled at 4.” Beth tried not to feel bereft.

Abby waved over the waiter who smiled down at them. “Can I tempt you two beautiful ladies to a delicious dessert?”

“Goodness no,” giggled Abby; “a figure like mine is not maintained without great sacrifice.”

“Just the bill please” grinned Beth, “the waiter looked at her appreciatively, “and you Madam how do you maintain a beautiful figure like yours,”

“Wine;” retorted Beth.

“He fancies you,” said Abby as the waiter retreated, “Beautiful Beth, always could pull the lookers.”

“All the arseholes” more like responded Beth.

“Like that delicious Adam, he was so fit.”

“Abby he may have been fit but he was an utter bastard.”

“Still would have given him one though.” snorted Abby.

The women were laughing hysterically when the waiter returned with the bill and they paid and made their way out into Sloane Square.

“Lovely to see you, darling,” said Abby hugging her, “Are you going on the tube? “No,” said Beth; “I am going to pop into Peter Jones, Meghan needs a new winter coat.”

“Stay positive Beth, you are doing really well,” she waved goodbye and headed into the tube station.

Peter Jones was a department store located on Sloane Square at the top of the trendy Kings road. Feeling uplifted from a good chat and half a bottle of wine Abby headed in through the old fashioned revolving doors and into the beautifully scented interior of the perfume section.

She consulted the board to remind herself where children’s clothes were located and got into the lift to go to the 2nd floor. Just as the doors were about to shut someone shouldered them open again to get into the lift. The intruder into the lift was a man smartly dressed in a suit with thick dark hair which was long on top and short at the back and sides so that a thick wavy lock of hair hung over his forehead, he had bright blue eyes which stood out piercingly from his dark stubble.

Beth was not able to totally withhold the gasp that emanated from her lips.

He looked up and also took a sharp intake of breath.

“Christ, Beth.” Trying to maintain her composure she muttered under her breath.

“Speak of the devil.”

Chapter 4: Reunion

It only took a moment for Adam to gain his composure after the surprise meeting in the lift.

“Beth what a wonderful surprise, it is so great to see you after all this time.”

Her heart was beating so fast she felt he must be able to see if pounding through her cream cashmere coat. When they had first split up all those years ago, she used to rehearse what she would say to him if she ever saw him again, but then London was a big place with millions of people, the chances of bumping into someone were small and she reasoned even smaller after having just mentioned their name not 15 minutes ago.

“To be honest, not such a nice surprise for me,” she retorted coolly thankful that she had made an effort on her appearance that morning in anticipation of her trip to Sloane Square.

“Oh Beth,” he sighed, “he was now back into his flow and had turned his charm back on, “are you still cross with me?”

She summoned up all her last remaining dignity, “to be honest I hadn’t thought about being cross with you in quite a long time but seeing as you are now stood in front of me my first emotion is certainly not nice.”

In that infuriatingly sexy way he had he eyed her up and down with that sideways grin and with that deliciously sexy drawl he had which communicated supreme self-confidence he replied, “well my first emotion at seeing you stood in front of me is certainly nice,” she could feel him gazing appreciatively at her long legs encased in long black boots under a tight fitting leather skirt.

She felt mad as the elevator beeped and the doors opened to the racks of clothes making up the 2nd floor of the store. “How is Elizabeth?” she retorted, through gritted teeth.

“Oh we split up,” he replied with that smile on his lips like he was secretly amused by you, “turns out she wasn’t the girl for me after all.”

“Well,” said Beth exiting the elevator and urgently thinking she might be sick, “As lovely as this unexpected reunion has been I need to go.”

He suddenly looked serious, “Me too, but it’s been nice to see you, Beth. You look great,” and he turned and walked away towards the men’s section.”

In the bathrooms Beth sat on the lavatory seat, inhaling and exhaling in the way her therapist Maureen had shown her. Lovely Maureen who always listened so sympathetically and was so kind, after leaving the sessions she always felt such hope that it would all be OK now and that she would get better.

It usually took about 30 minutes after she left for the old mindsets to appear again, she knew that she had to break these, form new neural pathways, Maureen said, but somehow she just never felt strong enough to break the habits of a lifetime.

She sighed and unlocked the cubicle, in the washroom she washed her hands thoroughly and the cold water and soap brought relief. Washing her hands made her feel like she was getting rid of all the bad stuff, the memories the shame. Locking herself into a destructive cycle is what Maureen would call it.

She made her way from the bathrooms and into the children’s section. Choosing clothes made her anxiety grow, she would have to pick one and then another up until it felt right and often she would leave a shop with nothing having been unable to make a decision. Unable to cope just now with this sort of anxiety she grabbed a red coat which was the first she saw, it was a size two so she made her way hurriedly to the cash desk and joined the queue.

“I don’t think that will fit you,” came a voice from behind her. Adam was grinning boyishly at her holding a tie.

She couldn’t stop herself smiling back. “It’s for my daughter,” then kicked her-self for interacting with him.

“You have a daughter? That’s great Beth.” she smiled despite herself at least he would know she had moved on, done something positive with her life, or at least that might be how it would seem to an outsider.

“Look, I always felt bad how it ended between us, did you ever get my text?”

She remembered about a year after she had last seen him he had sent her a message asking if there was any way they could see each other again. By that time she had met Will and she never replied.

“I did,” she sniffed; “but I had enough self-respect to not want to ever get involved with you again.”

He smiled, “Quite right Beth, but you know we were young, people change, let me take you for a coffee and I can make it up to you.”

“Sorry, I can’t,” she said sounding stronger than she felt, “I need to get home to my daughter.”

He touched her arm gently and said pleadingly; “come on Beth, one coffee it would do us both good to get some closure. I need to talk about what happened.”

It was too much for Beth to resist, after so many sleepless nights and tears wondering how he could have behaved like he did when she loved him so much when she thought he loved her. She had wondered so many times if he sensed her flaws which she tried so hard to hide from him.

“I could spare half and hour, but that is it and then I never want to see you again,” Beth thought she sounded firm and in control.

“Looks like your up,” he grinned and pointed at the sales assistant who was gesticulating at her that it was her turn to pay.

“Oh yes right, I’ll see you over by the lift then.”

“I look forward to it,” he grinned wickedly.

Later she reflected that maybe had she not had the bottle of wine with lunch none of it would ever have happened, she was not sure she would have had the self-assurance to go with him had she not had some Dutch courage.

Emerging from the department store, he smiled at her, “Come on there’s somewhere I want to take you and suddenly it felt like the last 10 years had vanished into the ether, she was the strong one and he was the one trying to please her.

They had met when she was working in marketing. At 24 she had a career that looked like it was going somewhere, working in Chelsea in a top firm she was in charge of a number of client’s accounts, she had a company car, a fabulous flat in Putney, all be it rented, and a large entertaining account.

Adam was managing a chain of restaurants and Beth’s firm had one the contract to promote them and make them trendy. She remembered the first time he had walked into the meeting with the MD of the company, a 50 something entrepreneur who had made a fortune in retail and now fancied his chances in catering.

The company was called Bliss, she had been in the middle of a presentation to Charlie about her proposal for a number of promotional events when there was a knock at the door. “Ah this will be Adam, I’ve just taken this kid on although, actually I guess he is about your age, he’s charismatic and charming, comes from good stock!”

“I knew his Dad before he died,” he looked pensive, “dreadful business. He’s been lazy and a pain in the arse all his life, but he knows the right people and his father got himself in a bit of a financial pickle before he passed, so he now needs to work.”

“Sounds like a real gem Charlie,” said Beth sarcastically.

“Give him a chance Beth I’ve got a good feeling about him and I reckon he’s got the right qualities to be the manager for this chain. After pissing around all his life I think he is ready to make his mark. Come in,” he shouted at the door.

Adam had entered the room wearing chinos and a Ralph Lauren checked shirt, oozing the sort of self-entitlement which comes from having been born into money.

“Sit down Ads,” said Charlie, “with the sort of smile a parent gives when looking at a naughty child.  “I want you to meet Beth who is the account manager at Walton and Tate, I need you guys to work together over the next few months in order to get people eating in my restaurants.”

“Sure thing,” said Adam, holding out his hand to Beth which she took and it felt like an electric shock had gone through her, “he looked at her with his bright blue eyes staring out under long lashes as if he knew the effect he had just had on her.

Determined not to look like a swooning teenager she had cleared her throat and launched into her ideas about an event to launch the restaurant attended by a number of famous sports people to endorse the idea that the restaurant served healthy food.

“Sorry to interrupt,” said Adam staring intently at Beth, “I am not sure I agree.”

“Oh really,” said Beth angrily.

“I think everyone is bored of the healthy eating thing now, come on it the noughties, people want decadence, to have a bit of fun, spend some money to impress their friends.”

“Is that what you think,” said Beth fuming, “well for some people like you that may be the case but recent research into the demographics of customers eating at restaurants show a large increase in women diners who feel pressurised adhering to a certain body image and so they are more likely to eat out if they feel like they are not consuming high calorific foods.”

“Bollocks,” replied Adam.

“Well,” interrupted Charlie, “this is great I can see you two are going to have some great ideas you can bounce off each other. I have to dash now but if we can meet again in a weeks time, see what you have come up with.”

Outside in the corridor Adam had said, “I am sorry if I contradicted you in there Beth I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot,” he managed to say this without sounding sorry at all.

Beth responded haughtily; “it is my job to take on board ideas and brainstorm, please don’t think I would ever be offended at hearing new ideas.”

“Great,” he said with his annoyingly sexy grin, “I can tell already we are going to come up with something great together.”

“I am sure we will,” she smiled icily back, “but will it be naughty, that is the question.”

“I am always naughty Beth,” and he turned and was gone.

Beth had always been rather pleased with her rather flirtatious jibe at him and it had set the tone for the rest of their meetings. A lot of Beth’s entertaining account started to go on taking him out for “business” lunches which then became after work drinks. They flirted unashamedly but part of her worried what his feelings for her were. Did he like her in that way or was he just one of these guys that played you along, he was so hot he must have a girlfriend or be gay.

The chemistry between them started to become almost unbearable. The final meeting before the launch of the restaurant chain was held in Beth’s office and attended by her team of 4 colleagues. Adam was discussing the menu options with them all and describing the canapés which they would be serving the following night when he had finished, she said; “thank you, Adam, they sound delicious.” There was a pause while everyone looked through their agendas to the next topic of discussion and Adam, who was sitting next to Beth at the circular board meeting table leaned over and whispered in her ear, “not as delicious as you,” the exchange however was overheard by her PA, Susie who coughed and whispered audibly “ugh get a room:”

Everyone in the room giggled and Beth mortified went red and looked down at her notes but when she looked back up Adam was grinning at her.

After that meeting, Beth was in the murky courtyard behind their office having a cigarette. The meeting had made her nervous and she had felt fear in the pit of her stomach and a shortness of breath. It had all been fun with Adam but now people were talking about it and she worried about what might happen now. It was a habit of Beth’s to ruminate over everything too much and while she desperately with every pore of her being wanted Adam she was scared about something in her life changing.

She hated smoking but found it a good way to manage the anxiety attacks. Just then Susie appeared and lit a Marlborough light. “For goodness sake, Beth just put us all out of our misery and fuck him.” and she exhaled lengthily.

Beth coughed indignantly, “What do you mean, I am not going to as you so charmingly put it “fuck” anyone, and if you are referring to my client Adam it would be very unprofessional to mix business with pleasure.”

“Ok then whatever,” said Susie taking another long drag, “but if I had someone as fit as that whispering in my ear I’d screw the business bit and keep the pleasure.”

Beth left her office at 6pm with the intention of going straight home for a bath and a glass of wine before bed and maybe some TV. It was going to be a late one tomorrow night. Her office was located above a shop on a busy shopping street. She had just stepped out on the street and started heading towards the tube station when a figure stepped out of the doorway of Gap and she bumped into them.

“Oops sorry,” she muttered, then looked up into the face of Adam. She had never been that close to him and for a moment they just looked at each other and neither could think of anything to say.

Then suddenly he put his hand on the side of her face and she could smell his aftershave which sent her heady with desire. He leaned down towards her face and his lips paused about an inch from hers and then he drew back smiling as if asking for permission before he started to kiss her passionately.

When he finally pulled away she smiled and said; “doing some shopping­?”

“No I was waiting here to ask you out for dinner,” he spoke softly.

He had taken them to a cosy French restaurant just off Oxford Street where they had drunk lots of wine and not so much food. They had talked and laughed a lot and Beth felt like she was high such was the euphoria of being with this gorgeous man who she now knew had feelings for her.

“Well,” said Adam, “we should make tracks,” I can see they want our table and as a soon to be a restaurateur, we should empathise.”

“I guess so,” said Beth as Adam waved at the waiter for the bill.

“So I think your colleagues might think there is something going on between us.”

“Oh don’t listen to Susie she is a big mouth!”

“And do you think we should, “He asked leaning over the table to her and looking in her eyes.”

“Should what?”

“Get a room?”

She felt like an electric shock had gone through her and she could not look at him, but he lifted her chin up with a finger until they were looking at each other, his stare blazing into her sole. She nodded just slightly.

She still shivered at the memory of that night that they had jumped into a taxi and ended up at his mezzanine flat on the Fulham Road. She still reflected it had been like a movie tearing at each other´s clothes as they made it up the stairs. She recalled her nakedness wrapped in his arms as he carried her to the bed, the exquisite feeling of their bodies touching, his hands caressing every inch of her as she bathed in the warmth of him.

All the built up unrequited sexual tension that had built up between them was release in a break-taking moment of exquisite pleasure.

Afterwards he had brought her champagne in bed and they had lain tangled in each other limbs, talking nonsense and laughing. She thought that this was the end of all of her fears, how wrong she had been.

Chapter 5: Closure

Beth was remembering all of these feelings as she followed Adam along the Kings Road trying to cling onto reality with the feeling of the child’s coat encased in a plastic bag in her right hand.

She tried to feel like the confident woman she had been not the ghost of one she was now when she said to Adam; “so where do you want to go?”

“Ah” he replied smiling, “we are going somewhere special,” they had to separate briefly to navigate a large group of Japanese tourist blocking the pavement, emerging the other side she felt his hand on her back as he guided her into what looked like an old shop façade which had been given a makeover. The top floor and ground floor were now all one with an all-glass frontage which showed an interior of wood floors and a huge iron spiral staircase rising to the top floor. Inside were glass tables surrounded by inviting black leather arm chairs.

“Wow,” said Beth, “this place must be new I haven’t been here before.”

Adam smiled and she followed him to the bar. “Hi Adam,” said a pretty girl who stood behind it wearing a tight fitting black t-shirt which had the words “Mai Thai” on it and tight black leather trousers.

“Hi Sarah,” he replied, this is an old friend of mine Beth, who smiled sheepishly, unable to rid herself of the feeling that she was doing something very wrong.

“Well, to celebrate our re-acquaintance I think we should splash out, a bottle of Dom Perignon please Sarah.”

“On no, said Beth I really can’t I need to go soon.

“Tut tut,” Adam made that sound with his teeth she remembered he always used to make like he was scolding a child, just one glass Beth, no big deal.” Beth felt Sarah look at her and thought she could not make a fuss, anyway a glass of champagne would help her deal with the tube journey home, she smiled and nodded.

They went and sat down on one of the ostentatiously modern chairs and there was an uneasy silence that she felt she had to break.

“So are you a regular here then, you seem to know the staff?”

“You could say that,” he said gazing at her intently.

She picked up one of the drinks menus to give her something to do with her hands. So this place is called Mai Tai, that was my favourite cocktail,” she laughed nervously, “haven’t had one of those in a while, stick to wine mainly now.”

“That is why I called the bar that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I own it.”

Beth’s eyes swept around the lavish two storey building on one of London’s most exclusive streets.

“Wow, OK, so you don’t work for Charlie anymore?”

The champagne arrived and Adam motioned to the waitress to leave the ice bucket on the table. “No, we went our separate ways five years ago. No hard feelings, he taught me everything I know and more, but I needed to move onwards and upwards.” He laughed and started to pour the champagne into two long flutes. It bubbled deliciously to the top. He passed one to her and raised the other. “Cheers, here’s to old friends.”

“Old friends,” she responded, secretly thinking of the irony, she would not have in anyway class the man who had left her a broken hearted wreck a friend.

“Of course I remember the first time we drunk this champagne together,” he said smiling at her conspiratorially.

She flushed scarlet and tried to pretend she had no recollection; “really, I don’t recall.”

“Really Beth? I think you do;” and she went deeper red.

She was actually surprised he remembered and after so many years of feeling worthless after his rejection, she felt a bit of her resentment blow away along with the bubbles of the champagne. He remembered and he had named a bar after her favourite cocktail.

Of course at the start of the relationship she had the upper hand. She had the bigger salary, the celebrity clients went to all the parties with the IT crowd. She remembered the night of the restaurant launch, it wasn’t intentional but after a heady and passionate night before they arrived as a couple and no one seemed surprised.

The launch was a huge success and Charlie was obviously delighted, at the end of the night and slightly inebriated he walked up behind them as they were holding hands, “Hey kids, you make a great couple you will go far.”

Well, he was right on that score regarding Adam. The restaurant was a huge success, a couple of visits from Victoria Beckham, Kate Moss and Guy Ritchie put it on the map. Five new restaurants were opened and overseen by Adam, he was on a profit share so made a killing.

With the stratospheric rise of the restaurants Adam started to move in new circles, he was frequently snapped by the paparazzi mingling with A-Listers. With this new world came new temptations.

To be fair it was not Adam that had persuaded her to try it, she had been at a launch party for a new property development arising like a monster from the banks of the Thames. One of her many new acquaintances who were in the crowd they now sort out took her into the toilet, in a cubicle she started to divide up lines with her Amex card and offered Beth a rolled up 10 pound note, she probably just assumed Beth had tried it before and Beth was drunk and it seemed silly not to give it a go when obviously everyone else did.

The rest of the evening she felt like a goddess, when she looked in the mirror she looked like the most beautiful girl in the world when she spoke everything she said was clever and funny. She had the best night of her life.

“What are you on”, giggled Adam as they walked home along the south bank. He grabbed her and forced her against a wall. “Have you been trying something naughty Beth,” Kissing her passionately, “I think I will have to punish you if you have.”

When they go home he asked her if she wanted to try some more and they spent the rest of the night doing more lines and having amazing sex.

She had let her mind wander back to that night when she believed they were the happiest people of earth and soul mates. When had things started to shift at first everyone thought she was the better half of this power couple? She would regularly appear in the round-up of London events in Hello Magazine, described as the marketing executive and “it” girl Beth Worton. Of course this did wonders for her career, marketing was all about connections.

But then Beth started to suffer from horrific comedowns from the partying where she would feel she could not see anyone, paranoia gripped her and she would pretend she had the flu and sit in her darkened flat sipping red wine and trying to feel better. She became painfully thin but this suited the waif look that was en-vogue and people commented more and more on her beauty.

There was one weekend where she and Adam had dazzled at a party to launch a new art gallery, the successful restaurateur and his beautiful girlfriend. She now was unable to attend a party without the help of a class A drug which she believed transformed her from the anxiety-ridden Beth to the funny confident “It” girl she had become. They had partied until 6am then gone to one of London’s newly fashioned “after parties” which went on until midday.

She and Adam had crashed out in his flat for a few hours before getting up and hitting the bars in Soho with some friends before going back to a pop stars loft apartment in Shoreditch to smoke some weed.

Arriving at work on Monday morning Beth was totally white and couldn’t«t stop shaking, so she was sent home by Susie, who whispered to her, “For fuck’s sake go home and take some Prozac and sleep it off Beth, you’re a mess.”

Arriving home she closed all the curtains and tried to sleep but couldn’t, so sat in the dark for hours shaking taking sips of red wine hoping it would send her to sleep. The next day she was still unable to face seeing anyone so called in sick again. Her phone was off so she did not see any of Adams missed calls. She was asleep on the sofa when she was awoken by someone stroking her hair and through bleary, bloodshot eyes she saw Adam.

“Hey, babe.”

“How the hell did you get in,” said Beth, “she was sure she had bolted the door.

“Climbed in through your bathroom window;” he grinned. “You OK?”

She started to sob uncontrollably.

“I’ve been trying to get hold of you for 2 days. What’s going down? Smoking too much weed?” he said, “imitating the voice of a Rastafarian from Brixton. She smiled through the sobbing.

“Oh Adam, I just don’t know what happens to me it´s like I’m in a black hole and all these thoughts come into my head and I can’t make them go away.

He held her like a child and was so caring, he made her a cup of tea and stayed with her all night, they just watched TV and ate take out pizza.

As they lay cuddled in bed together he whispered, “You feeling better?”

She nodded through her tears and he kissed them away, “Babe I know you are struggling with stuff in your head, I see it.”

“You do?” She had begun to wonder if he did notice or care.

“Sure, look I went through a lot of shit after what happened with Dad, going from being rich to poor overnight, it was tough, then Dad dying, well I took stuff to help me through it and it took me to a bad place and I see you going through the same. I get it.”

She fell asleep in her arms thinking that it would all be OK. Adam got her and still loved her.

She slept better that night than she had slept in months but when she woke up he was gone, there was a note on the pillow. “Stay strong Babe. Love A x”

Suddenly she was back in the present sat in a bar ten years on with the same guy but married to another and she suddenly felt very confused. In some ways, Adam had understood more that Will ever had.

“Penny for them.” He broke her reverie as he ran a finger along her hand.

“What?” she shivered at his touch.

“I lost you, again,” he said.

“You never lost me, Adam, I lost you.”

“You mean Elizabeth.”

“Of course I mean fucking Elizabeth.”

“Yeah literally,” he grinned.

“You haven’t changed,” she said getting up ready to leave.

“Beth wait, I ‘m sorry. Ok let´s talk about this, we never did before, you just ran away.”

“Too bloody right I ran away.” She remembered still that night at a friend’s house for the weekend. Tom Cely Smith, he was called. His father was a Lord and it was his 30th birthday party at his ancestral home in Gloucestershire.  She had gone to bed stoned out of her head and woken up to find he want next to her. She expected he was still drinking with the others where she had left them in the summer house. Suddenly wide awake she fancied a drink and wandered out into the garden to find them all. That was when she had seen them. There was a magnificent glass Orangerie, which stood on one side of the Georgian mansion. In the centre was a huge marble table with ornate gilt legs, on top of which Elizabeth, a beautiful socialite who was the heir to a huge fortune was straddling Adam her long legs wrapped around him as he grunted and thrust into her.

They could not have been caught more red handed and it was not something that anyone would have ever wanted to witness, Adam saw her at the last minute before she grabbed a bottle of red wine that was sitting on a side table and poured it all over him and the writhing, Elizabeth then she ran into the night.

She kept on running, wild with rage and grief until she got to a road and she started walking. She kept continued until the sun came up until she met the first bus of the morning and flagged it down. The driver was alarmed to find a young pretty girl in such a state her face tear stained and her body exhausted and he went out of his route to drop her next to the station. She had to hide in the toilet of the train all the way back to London as she had nothing on her.

“Where did you go, after you know......?” His voice tailed off.

“Someone I knew had a holiday house in Devon, I hid out there for a while. My boss had been cutting my workload subtlety,” she sniffed, “he had probably seen it all before, marketing exec gets to into her role, partying too hard losing the plot. He suggested I take a break, gave me some redundancy pay. I lived there for 2 months.”

“Licking your wounds,” said Adam softly.

“Yes I was just so exhausted,  tired of keeping up with all the parties, all the women swooning all over you I didn’t have the strength anymore.”

“Maybe you should have fought for me a bit harder.”

“What the fuck Adam, I had just witnessed you actually in the act of screwing another woman, why the hell would I have fought for you?”

“Because we had something Beth. We got each other.”

“Well obviously I didn’t get you as much as Miss rich bitch Elizabeth Montacute, my daddy owns half of Cheshire and I can do whatever the hell I want.”

“She threw herself at me Beth, and after what happened to me, my Dad losing all the money in that shit stupid investment, seeing all the privileges I had grown up with go just like that. Seeing people look at us differently with pity, it was hard Beth and for one stupid year of my life, I thought Liz was the answer, that I would never ever have to know that disgrace. The shame that caused Dad to kill himself.”

“Kill himself? Adam, you never said.............”

“I have never told anyone Beth but I am telling you now for atonement. Our family hushed it up, wrote it off as an accident, my mother couldn’t bear anymore pitying stares.”

“But why?”

“The shame was too much for him Beth and I was riding high on the back of the restaurants but Liz offered me the money to start out on my own and I took it. We got married and I got what I wanted my own business but at the same time I hated myself for becoming a gigolo. I think the whole time we were engaged I was just waiting for you to come back from wherever we were and tell me you wanted me back, but you never came. I am sorry Beth for whatever I did to you and I am sorry for what I did to myself.”

Beth took a sip of the champagne and stood up, “thank you Adam, that is what I have been waiting to hear for the last five years,” and she walked out of the bar.

Chapter 6: The Car

“What do you want me to say, Will?” Beth shouted. They were having an argument, which now seemed to be a daily occurrence.

“I just want you to be fucking aware that we don’t have any money so don’t ask for it OK, it just stresses me out.”

“OK, don’t bite my head off I just asked if I could buy Meghan some new clothes if we don’t have it then that’s fine I won’t ask again.”

“Yeah, we don’t. IT jobs don’t pay as well in London as they did in Dubai.”

“Yes and that’s my fault as well isn’t it? That we came back here.”

“Well you wanted to come back and I am just saying it´s bloody expensive living in London on one salary.”

Beth hated the fact that she had to ask Will for money, it had all been very different when they went to Dubai and he had told her he just wanted them to have kids and for her not to have to work. That is why she had tried working after Meghan but she had screwed that up too. At that moment she really hated herself.

“Right whatever,” she shouted back, “ I need to get going to get Meghan to crèche.”

“Yeah and that´s another bloody expense that crèche is like having a second mortgage.”

“Well if you feel like that I will take her out she can stay at home with me.”

He glared at her and said; “Well we know that wouldn’t be a good idea would it Beth?”

With that, he turned and marched out the door letting it slam behind him. She started to cry. “Mama, shoes,” the little girl waddled out from the kitchen wearing a pair of her mother´s shoes,” and Beth had to smile and she wiped away her tears.

“Wow, look how amazing you look in those sweetie, just like Mummy.” The child smiled delightedly. “OK, now we need to put your shoes on to go out.”

“Nooow,” the child shouted.

“Yes Meghan look here are your shoes just like mummy’s.”

The child batted them away from her and the red patent shoes Beth was holding out fell onto the floor. After taking 5 minutes trying to coax the little girl into them she had to give up and try the forceful approach. This ended up with Meghan lying on the floor blue in the face screaming and beating her little fists on the polished pine floor of the hallway.

Beth’s chest felt tight and the anxiety welled up in the back of her throat like a wave, how did she deal with this? Everyone had told her about “terrible twos” it was so ironic that just when a child was becoming so unbelievably cute developing their ability to talk, to interact to be able to play games, kiss you and develop their own individual personality that they could also be so vile. Their little minds unable to cope with frustration or disappointment, their only outlet to scream and scream.

Beth tried to stay calm but she didn’t know what to do and felt panic well up. She went into the bathroom off the hallway and took a deep breath then slapped herself around the face because she wanted to punish herself for not being able to cope.

When she re-emerged the child’s screams had gone up a notch; she needed to get out the house, so she lifted the child’s buggy which was stood in the hall our of the door and pulled it up out of the folded position. Then she picked up the screaming child and tried to force her into the buggy. She was now kicking and writing but she managed to hold her down and force the straps on. She quickly picked up the red shoes and threw them into the bottom of the buggy and slammed the back door and started to walk down the street. People were looking from the bus stop across the road to see where the screams were coming from and Beth took a deep breath and pushed hoping that the motion of the buggy would sooth the child down like it normally did.

After 5 minutes the screaming had ceased and Beth felt her normal stab of guilt as she arrived at the gates of the little kindergarten that she was handing her child over to be looked after by someone else but figured they were more capable than her. She tried to smile nonchalantly at the teaching assistant who took Beth over to the play area. “Sorry couldn’t get her shoes on her today, perhaps you could try?” She felt the capable young woman in front of her look at her sizing her up as useless a pathetic excuse for a mother. Beth for the second time that day felt tears stinging the back of her eyes and she quickly mumbled “thanks,” and turned and walked swiftly away.

She was caught while leaving the gate by another mother who lived just down the road from her, “Beth hi,” they kissed on the cheek, “how are you?”

“Hi Candice, great thanks, you know just dealing with the terrible twos at the moment,” she tried to laugh light-heartedly.”

“Yeah me too,” laughed Candice, “little buggers!” However to Beth Candice seemed always un-phased by any of her 3 children’s behaviour and seemed to manage motherhood effortlessly. “Well must dash have to be in the office in 30 minutes and traffic is terrible out there.”

Beth smiled sympathetically, Candice was a senior executive in a large publishing company as well as being an amazing mother. She thought ahead to what she would be doing today, shopping, laundry trying to feel useful somehow. With that, Candice rushed off to jump into her large Rangerover which was double parked outside the crèche.

Beth set off with the empty pushchair in front of her to do the 10-minute walk home, Will had sold the little run around VW she had because he said they needed to cut back and she could get public transport.

She was just entering her street when she saw a Porche convertible pull up on the opposite side of the street to her house. She wondered if Mike from over the road had got a big bonus this year and bought himself a new toy. A convertible was the ultimate status symbol in London nowadays.

Beth liked cars and really missed driving, as she drew level with the car the door opened and a man got out. His figure and glossy black hair were unmistakable.

“Hey Beth,” Adam said as he shut the door and bleeped the car locked and walked over to her.

“Uh hi. What are you doing here?”

“You forgot the coat,” he held up the Peter Jones carrier bag with the coat she had bought for Meghan. The day after she had met Adam she had realised she had left it in his bar but had not wanted to return.

“So you decided to hand deliver it back to me?”

“Never could resist doing something for you, Beth.”

She smiled despite herself. “Well it´s kind of you, thank you.” There was an awkward silence which he was obviously waiting for her to fill, and the words just seemed to fall out of her mouth, “want to come in for a coffee?”

“That would be lovely, thanks.”

As she opened the door with her key she said, “How do you know where I live?”

“I did some research,” he replied grinning.

“What so you are a private detective now?” she asked leading him into the narrow hallway lit up by the rose-tinted light coming in through the stain glass arc above the door.

“No, I hired one.”

She swivelled around to look at him and almost bumped into him her arm touching his for a second. “You hired a private detective to find me?”

“Well it’s a nice coat, I didn’t want your daughter to miss out on wearing it.”

She laughed, “You are crazy.”

“Yes, I always was crazy when it came to you, Beth.”

She turned round feeling suddenly embarrassed led him into the kitchen which had been extended out into the back garden with a large skylight above a stripped back antique wooden table that Will and Beth had acquired when they first bought the house, thinking it matched the period features. She switched on the coffee maker and waited for the light to come on to indicate the water was hot.

She turned around and Adam was examining a large canvas on the wall with a photo of Meghan looking adorable which they had taken on her 2nd birthday. “This must be your daughter, as beautiful as her mother.” Beth blushed.

“Yes, she is called Meghan.”

“Is she not here?”

“No, she goes to crèche three days a week.”

“And is there a Mr. Beth?”

She laughed, “Yes, Will, he is at work.” She suddenly thought of what he would say if he knew she was here with an ex-boyfriend but he had been such an arsehole this morning to her she ignored the stab of guilt.

“How long have you been married?” He had picked up a wedding picture of a beaming Beth and Will on their wedding day. They looked like the perfect couple a pastiche of what you should look like when you know you are going to spend the rest of your life together. Beth tried to fathom how soon after that photo was taken that it had started to go so wrong.

“Four years.”

“So a year after we broke up.”

“Well it didn’t take you so long did it?” snapped Beth. She had heard on the grapevine that Adam and Liz had married 6 months after the ominous night in the summer house.”

She walked over to the cupboard and lifted down 2 cups.

“Well you know the saying Beth, marry in haste,”

Repent at leisure, she thought with a sigh.

She poured the coffee and passed one of the cups to Adam who held it surveying her over the top of the cup.

Beth started to feel uncomfortable and said; “do you want to sit down?”

“No I am good, I can see you better standing up.” He smiled that disarming smile at her.

“Nice car,” she said, “wanting to change the subject.

“Thanks, fancy a ride in it?”

“Uh no, thanks I have a lot to do.”

“Like what?” His eyes bored into her.

“Well, I need to go to the supermarket.”

“The supermarket!” he teased her, “well that is something that cannot be put aside, I’ll drive you there.”

“No,” she stammered, “it’s walking distance.”

“But how will you get back with your shopping?”

“I always get a cab back,” she began to realise how sad she sounded. Back when they were together they used to joke about never going food shopping, why would you when you owned restaurants?

He smiled at her like he knew what she was thinking. “Anyway I am sure you are busy?”

“No, as a matter of fact I cleared the diary today to come and see you.”

“Oh.”

“Well that settles it then, we are going to the supermarket!” It was too much for Beth to resist, getting into a Porche Correra convertible with Adam or spending the day on her own with her thoughts. Before she knew it she was climbing into the beautiful leather bucket seats and praying none of the neighbours had seen.

She felt young again as Adam pulled away from the curb. They exited her street and out into the traffic which was circumnavigating the expanse of green that was Clapham common. “The supermarket is over there she pointed, you need to get in the right lane.”

“Fuck the supermarket,” laughed Adam, “I am taking you for a spin.”

And Beth was lost.

Chapter 7 - Clocks

He sped off along Clapham long road past the people walking their dogs on the common and on towards Battersea park. The traffic made them stop and start unable to build up speed.

“Pity having a fast car in a city like London, when it is hard to go more than 10 miles an hour,” laughed Beth.

“Does the lady require speed?” said Adam, “looking over at her bashfully.”

“I feel the need, the need for speed” laughed Beth, Top Gun had been their favourite movie they always watched when they had a hangover or a bad come down.

“And will you be my wingman Beth,” he suddenly looked serious.

“Always,” she smiled at him.

As they emerged onto the M40 they could finally pick up some speed as the morning rush had abated. She sat back and enjoyed the ride; she tried not to think what the hell she was doing in this car with this man driving to Gods knew where. Sometimes an image of her daughter would come into her head and she would feel s stab of guilt but she genuinely had not felt so carefree in years.

She had been with the man next to her for five years, she knew every inch of his body, every curve of his face and suddenly it felt like being reunited with a favourite jumper it just seemed to fit.

“Hold on Goose” he shouted as he launched the car forward past signs for Oxford. “Where are we going?” shouted Beth.

“Wait and see,” his eyes focusing on the road ahead, but sometimes she noticed appraising her legs which were encased in a pair of tight jeans.

He turned on the stereo and Coldplay started to blast out of the stereo, it was the first CD she bought him when they met, “Rush of Blood to the head,” it was how she made him feel he had said. This was all beginning to feel a bit rehearsed but she didn’t care. The song “Clocks” blared effortlessly out of the sound system, this song always made her feel reckless. “The lights go out and I can’t be saved, Tides that I fought to swim against, have brought me down upon my knees.”

She suddenly realised that if everyone on earth had their poison, Adam was hers and he was the ocean that she had to swim in, she could absolutely never resist him.

Eventually, she saw a sign for the Cotswolds and they turned off the motorway into idyllic English country lanes bordered by ancient hedges with rolling fields spreading into the distance. They drew into the car park of a beautiful hotel, its stone façade built out of the mellow yellow stone that characterised the area. A large sign outside advertised; “The Swan Inn, Restaurant and Hotel.”

Adam looked at her and said, “I thought we would grab some lunch, all this driving had made me hungry,” and he grinned wolfishly.

As she emerged from the car she felt under-dressed in the tight jeans tucked into some brown boots she had pulled on for the school run. “Wow this place is beautiful, it looks very old,” she gazed at the rickety tiled roof that seemed to undulate with the seams of time and had three dormer windows protruding from it.”

“17th century,” he replied, “it’s an old coaching inn, now a 5-star hotel.”

They entered the cosy reception area with its flagstone floors and he grabbed her hand and led her into the bar which was a fabulous mix of old and new with an ancient stone wall with inglenook fireplace contrasting with the bar which gleamed with stainless steel and glass.

A woman appeared from the reception, she was very attractive wearing all black with a mane of dark glossy hair reaching all the way down her back; “Hi Adam, we weren’t expecting you today.”

“Well, I like to surprise my staff sometimes and keep them on their toes.”

The woman looked Beth up and down as if she was mentally taking notes of her and Beth suddenly became acutely conscious of her hand still resting in Adams which she hadn’t removed. She suddenly snatched it away and the other lady looked at her hard obviously trying to work her out.

“Can we have some menus, Anna? Beth and I are going to have some lunch,” and he looked conspiratorially at her as if they were naughty school children having a prank.

They went and sat at a corner table by the window which looked out onto an expanse of lawn which contained a number of wooden picnic tables and was bordered by a river. It was idyllic.

“Another of your businesses, now you are just showing off,” Beth intoned.

“The fruits of my hard labour,” he replied.

“Yes, Elizabeth must have given you a lot of money.”

“Ouch,” said Adam, “grabbing at his heart imitating a shot.

Beth looked out of the window at some ducks waddling across the lawn no doubt anticipating some tit bits from some guests who had just sat down on one of the wooden benches.

“Look,” he continued, “let’s just confront the elephant in the room shall we once and for all, “Liz pursued me, she’s one of those rich girls that have always got exactly what they wanted so want what they can’t have. I am sure the fact that I was with you made me more appealing. You were well……”

“I was what?” she snapped.

“Come on Beth let’s not pretend that you didn’t have your issues, that you were sometimes difficult to be around.” Beth felt the familiar feeling like being slapped around the face when confronted with the reality of her disorder which she always tried to hide. When it was articulated to her it was as if she was helpless to defend herself against the stinging reminder that she was a freak. That everything that had gone wrong in her life was because she had a problem that people felt embarrassed to mention which made her try to hide it all the more.

“Well Liz was, let’s just say very persuasive and I was weak. She presented a very rosy picture of what a life with her could be like, of how she could help me.”

“Help, as in giving you money.”

“Put crudely, yes.”

He put his hand on hers, “But Beth I knew even then I was being an idiot, if you had just come back I think I wouldn’t have gone through with marrying her.”

“So now it’s my fault. You are forgetting to mention you were screwing us both at the same time.”

“I seem to remember that our sex life was not exactly on fire at that stage Beth, you were very vulnerable I didn’t feel……” he broke off.

She bit her lip. Looking back she had been a car crash then, high one minute, huge comedowns the next, locking herself away for days.

“Yes, well I am better now.” She stuttered.

He sat back looking like he was a lawyer in court who had just cast the closing speech that would return a not guilty verdict.

“To be honest Beth our marriage was over in a year, once she had what she wanted it did not appeal so much. I was cast aside but it made me more determined to work hard. Two years after our divorce I had paid her back all of her investment with interest, and now I am my own man.”

He stopped talking as Anna approached the table with a bottle and 2 glasses. “I thought you might like to try the new Merlot you just ordered,” she said glancing coquettishly at Adam.

“That’s my girl,” said Adam playfully rubbing his hands together.

They had a beautiful meal of trout locally caught and after a glass of the wine, Beth found that they fell back easily into their easy flirtatious banter that they had enjoyed when they had first met. Adam could only have one glass of the delicious merlot as he was driving and after an hour Beth was shocked to notice she must have finished the rest of the bottle.

She was soon laughing at Adam’s stories of how he had started up his businesses and anecdotes about errant staff members and when she felt his hand rest on her leg and run up inside her thigh she felt delirious with desire for him.

Sensing this was going to end badly she jumped up; “Let’s go outside, I want to see the river.” He stood up as if acquiescing but then pulled her close to him, their bodies were touching and his lips brushed her hair as he put his mouth against her ear.

“Beth, I would rather show you one of our bedrooms, will you come upstairs with me?”

She almost literally felt her knees go weak, and she nodded just enough for him to grab her hand and lead her behind the bar and out to a service corridor where there were some narrow stairs which must be used by staff to access the rooms above.

He forced her against a wall and started to kiss her neck, she groaned as she realised she could not resist going back to this place and the way he made her feel. His mouth worked its way up her neck to her chin and then stopped. He looked into her eyes as if asking permission and she was powerless.

Upstairs he unlocked the door to a vast bedroom with oak timbered ceiling. Heavy brocade curtains framed the windows and a four poster bed stood majestically in the centre of the room. He led her inside and shut the door.

She suddenly felt incredibly shy and sensing that he took her in his arms and started to kiss her, very gently at first until she felt his tongue inside her mouth and it awoke a fierce desire inside her which she had not felt for a very long time.

He pulled away and ran his hand inside the top of her jeans very gently then whispered. “I intent to ravish her, to punish you for leaving me,” she groaned as he peeled her out of her jeans and ran his mouth over her stomach then lower until she begged him to hurry.

There was no doubt that it had all been planned and she often wondered if he had intended then just to seduce her or if he already had other plans in mind.

Chapter 8: Night Out

The child splashed around in the bubbles giggling, Beth put the bubbles on her face and made the girl laugh more; “look Mummy got a beard. Does Meghan want a beard?” she put the bubbles around her face and a blob on her nose then showed her daughter her face in the mirror, to more mirth.

This was one of Beth’s favourite times of the day when Meghan was calm and happy in the warm bubbly water. But tonight she felt sick with fear, tonight she was leaving the safe comfort of her home to go out into the night. Beth had stopped going out at night since having Meghan. Firstly she feared to leave her, worried that without her to look after her she would stop breathing or someone would take her. Then she just became fearful of leaving the house at night.

Her affair with Adam had followed a predictable path, he would pick her up on the days that Meghan was in nursery and it was fun and exciting. He would take her somewhere different each time, an art gallery, a park, the cinema a trendy restaurant. Then the outing would inevitably end in a different hotel room each time, in a tangle of sheets, hurriedly removed clothes on the floor. Sometimes they took a long luxurious bath together afterwards or just lay naked in each other's arms drinking champagne. To Beth, it represented a distraction from the mental hell she had been locked in and the sex was amazing. Maybe Adam got off on the fact that she was married and forbidden fruit.

This was the first time that he had suggested that she go out with him at night. At first, she had refused; “I can’t leave my daughter in the evening Adam it will upset her.”

“Come on Beth,” he had pleaded I have something special planned and I want you to be there.

With great trepidation, she had relented.

Will now walked into the bathroom and they exchanged the cordial courtesies which their marriage had become. She had started to sleep in the spare bed in Meghan’s room telling Will it was easier when Meghan woke up at night, if she knew her mother was in the room she didn’t cry so much.

Will had just walked away when she explained this to him muttering; “whatever you think.”

What she was thinking was that it made her feel less guilty than she already did if she wasn’t actually sharing a bed with two men at the same time.

“Good day at work?”

“It was alright. Hey sweetheart, how’s my gorgeous girl?”

“Bubbles, bubbles,” shouted Meghan.

“Have you remembered I am having dinner with Abby tonight?”

“Yes that’s fine, me and Meghan will have fun together, won’t we princess?” kissing the blond curly mop of hair.

This was the first time Beth had had to lie to her husband, the days were easy, Will never really asked Beth what she had been doing anyway and so she never had to directly lie.

She left Will with her daughter in the bath and walked  into her bedroom and slipped into a short blue dress she had last worn in Dubai then covered it up with a black cardigan she didn’t want to look too dressed up in case Will smelt a rat.

She quickly applied her makeup, it was almost 7 30 and Adam was going to wait at the end of her road in his car.

Will had Meghan wrapped up in a big pink fluffy towel on the bed and was trying to get her nappy onto her and was blowing on her tummy and the child was screaming with delight.

“Going anywhere nice?” he asked.

“Abby is taking me to a restaurant near her house then we might go to a club or something, do some dancing. I need to have a fun night out.”

“I agree Beth, just have fun OK. How will you get home?”

“I’ll get a cab.”

“OK well be safe,” he kissed her on the cheek.

The fact that he was being sweet for the first time in ages made Beth feels even worse.

“See you later sweet pea,” she kissed her daughter.

She ran down the stairs suddenly feeling the old feeling of nausea which signalled the onset of an anxiety attack. She wished she had had a glass of wine now to give her some Dutch courage. She grabbed her bag from the table in the hall and went out into the night. She could see the headlights of his car at the end of the road and she walked briskly, her breath catching in the cold night air and making a cloud where she had exhaled.

She opened the door of the Porche and sank thankfully into its warm interior. Adam was looking serious, he was clean shaven and wearing a grey suit with a crisp white shirt underneath, his after-shave invaded her nostrils, it was a smell she associated now with carnal pleasure and it made her feel excited and wanton. “Hey babes,” he kissed her on the lips. Shit he was gorgeous she thought. “You ready for a fun night?”

“I think so, Maverick but what do you have in store for me?”

“Ah wait and see,” he grinned as he accelerated down the street.

They arrived in the Tower Bridge area of London where a road of apartment buildings refurbished from former industrial warehouses lined the Thames, available with a view of the river for in excess of £1 million for a 2 bedroom loft style home.

He sped into an underground car park. “Home sweet home,” he laughed. You live here?” she gasped. So he was doing REALLY well.

He led her into a lift and they arrived in a spacious lobby on the 2nd floor of the building. Unlocking his leather lined, studded front door they entered a double height penthouse with one wall entirely made of glass offering a view of the river which was lit up by the sparkling lights of the capital.

“Wow,” said Beth. They had never talked about where they lived or their everyday life during the amorous encounters which had been going on for a month now. Somehow Beth felt it was better to remain in a bubble of unreality. “Why did you bring me here?”

“Well I wanted to show off partly,” he said self-effacingly, “but I am also taking you out on the town tonight so I wanted to give you a gift.

He led her into a bedroom, “hmmm can’t we have a drink first,” she joked.

“Not that sort of a present, this.” He pointed to a wardrobe. “Open it.”

Inside was hanging a long red dress which fell in silky folds from the hanger with a spattering of stones stitched into its neckline making it sparkle. Beth ran her hands down the fabric, it was certainly couture. “I can’t wear this.”

“Why not?”

“Well it’s just too….” she struggled to find the word, “too opulent. I’m not sued to dressing like that.”

“You should dress like that Beth,” he came up behind her and nuzzled his chin into her neck. “You are a very beautiful woman and you deserve to wear clothes like this and tonight you are coming out with me and I want my girl to look gorgeous. I’ll give you 10 minutes.” Then he left the room.

Beth was not used to dressing up to be noticed, she preferred to hide behind darker colours, but as she pulled the stunning garment over her head she felt like a little girl putting on her first party dress and she turned to the full-length mirror that was against one wall and smiled at herself. It did look good.

Just then she heard a doorbell ring and voices. She took a sharp intake of breath, who could that be? Adam had not said they were meeting anyone else.

Timidly she opened the door to be greeted with the sight of a group of men and women all dressed up to the nines. There we four men and the three women were all wearing beautiful dresses, she could see now why Adam had made her change.

“Ah there she is,” said Adam. “Come here darling and meet everyone.”

Beth felt paralysed with terror it had been a long time since she had met anyone new or been in a social situation, could she cope? She felt her chest tighten, oh god she thought don’t let her crumble now in front of Adam.

“Everyone this is Beth, Beth this is everyone.” She felt the women looking her up and down appraising her and trying to work out her position in the social order. It all came back to her now the past, her insecurity. Adam passed her a glass of champagne, “my friends have just popped around for a drink before we hit the party.” She grinned madly at them all taking a sip of champagne.

“Fab,” she managed to say, “nice to meet you all.”

So when one of the men emptied out a folded up paper sachet of white powder onto Adam´s glass coffee table and started to divide it up with a credit card she looked at it longingly. No, she could not go down that path again, she wouldn’t she was a mother now. But she watched all the women take the rolled up bank note in turn and put it to their noses. One of the men rubbed some into his gum, then casually offered the bank note to her. Just one she thought, just to make her feel less worried. It would only be one then she would never go out with Adam again. She would call it all off, she didn’t want to be in this world again. This would be the last ever time she did drugs.

When she looked back on it, Adam offered her no encouragement, in fact, she never saw him doing a line he was stood over by the window staring out over the river talking urgently into his mobile. But did he engineer this scenario knowing that she would falter? Maybe she would never know.

Chapter 9: The Break Up

“Cup of tea love?” the kindly voice of the lady at the Mums and Tots group Beth attended was staring down at her looking concerned.

Beth felt dreadful, she almost hadn’t come today, she was on a huge comedown, and in a pit of self-loathing. How could she had taken drugs again after all they had done to her in the past? She had arrived home last night . After the soiree in Adams party he announced they were going for a night out in one of his nightclubs, but first, they were to have a couple of drinks in his pub The Chelsea Ram. There seemed no end to the establishments Adam owned.

By the time they had got to the trendy Covent Garden nightclub Beth had started to come down off her drug induced high and she had followed the girl who had been dancing on the table in the pub to the bathrooms and had another.

She spent the night in the VIP area which Jamie had reserved for them talking rubbish with a number of beautiful people who were as high as she was, then Adam dragged her onto the dance floor. She remembered what a great dancer he was and she felt exhilarated dancing in the murky depths of the club with this gorgeous man who was running his hands appreciatively up the curves of her dress.

Then one of the staff came over and tapped Adam on the shoulder. There was someone who needed to talk to him, Beth left alone retreated to the bathrooms to do a pee. Washing her hands she glanced herself in the mirror and realised her make up was looking the worse for wear so rummaged in her bag for her lipstick and then thought she should check the time on her phone. She saw the picture of Meghan light up on the screen saver and she suddenly crashed back down to earth, feeling ashamed. It was 1 30, she needed to get home.

She went off in search of Adam who was at the back of the VIP area having an intense conversation with a man who looked like a bouncer. She tapped him on the shoulder and he didn’t look please to be interrupted.

“I have to go Adam.”

He nodded; “Bob can you take Beth and make sure she gets into a cab ok?”

“I have to sort something out darling, you go with Bob. Did you have a good evening?”

“Yes it was fun,” she said, thinking that she was going to make sure it was never repeated. She kissed him on the lips imagining this would be the last time she kissed him and left the club.

Outside her house she rummaged in the bag, where were her keys? Shit, they weren’t anywhere, had she lost them? Then she  couldn’t remember taking them with her. Oh no. She thought desperately. She was going to have to wake Will, Shit, shit, shit!

After calling his phone several times without an answer he finally picked up, “Beth, you OK?”

“Yeah sorry I left my keys can you let me in?”

She could hear him coming down the stairs and tried to compose herself. When he opened the door she tried to sound normal. “Hey, I am really sorry.” He looked her up and down.

“Where did you get that dress?”

On god, she had forgotten she was wearing the dress Adam had given her. “Oh yes,” she stammered, “Abby lent it to me, insisted I dress up to go out dancing. Meghan OK? She tried to change the subject.

“She’s fine,” he was looking her up and down in a strange way as if he was seeing her for the first time, then he turned and stormed off up the stairs.

She went into the kitchen and had a glass of water thinking about the night and feeling relieved to be home. Now down off her drug induced high she felt stone cold sober. Suddenly the new infatuation she had had for Adam imploded. She could not deny she loved him, always had but tonight had given her a glimpse of all that loving him entailed. The pressure of that lifestyle, of needing to feel glamorous, cool, one of the in-crowd. She couldn’t handle it, she never had been able to.

In retrospect, the most enjoyable moment of the evening had been with that barman in Adams pub, the one that was a student studying Shakespeare. She could have happily spent all night chatting about books with him instead of getting high and having to look good in front of a group of people she didn’t show and didn’t even like.

She crept up the stairs and slipped into Meghan’s room and looked down at her beautiful sleeping daughter. She found a t-shirt in the laundry basket and tore off the beautiful dress and shoved it in the basket and put the t-shirt over her head and then slipped into the single bed in the nursery, she couldn’t be with Will tonight.

When she woke from a fretful sleep to the sound of Meghan delightedly calling “Mama, mama,” from her cot. Her head was pounding and she felt sick but worst of all was the familiar feeling of intense self-hatred. She remembered this all from her youth, now she was 34, a mother why did she do this?

She picked Meghan up from the cot and cuddled her burying her face in the fluffy curls and inhaling the delicious baby smell deeply. “Morning sweety, Mummy has been very silly but I promise I will never be again.” She carried the girl down the stairs to begin the daily routine, she began saying some Mantras in her head to try to make the horrible feelings go away.

After 20 minutes she wandered up the stairs with a cup of coffee for Will, an appeasement for waking him up last night, but he wasn’t in their room and the bed had been made. He must have left for work already. She was puzzled but didn’t feel strong enough to call him.

She considered holing herself up for the day but today was her Mums group and Meghan loved the little assault course they made up for the toddlers and the nursery rhyme session, she decided it would make her feel even worse if she denied her daughter this pleasure, due to her late night antics.

So here she was trying to cope with the screaming of small children, the bright lights of the community centre and attempting to avoid eye contact with the other mothers who were either breastfeeding their infants or engaging in lively chat with each other about weaning or potty training. Why was she just a freak, why was it so hard for her? She accepted the tea from Ruth, the lady in charge of the group.

She took a seat next to Beth.  “ Meghan loves it doesn’t she?” pointing to her daughter who was delightedly squirming through a tunnel resembling an extended caterpillar that a supervisor was leading the children through. “So how are things going?”

“Oh good, you know terrible twos,” chuckled Beth trying to sound nonchalant.

“Yes they can be difficult,” agreed Ruth, “but rewarding at the same time.”

“Oh yes she is the best thing that happened to me,” agreed Beth, “But she still doesn’t sleep through the night, I wonder what I did wrong, maybe I should have followed one of those sleep routine books, then she won´t eat anything I make her but at crèche they say she eats everything there.” Suddenly it all just came flooding out, her tiredness her inability to cope when her daughter cried, her fear that she was a terrible mother.”

Ruth listened sympathetically and passed her a tissue to dry the tears that had started to flow.

“Listen Beth, what you are telling me about Meghan is all normal and everyone deals with it in different ways. You are not a bad mother you are just a mother and I bet most of the women in this room have felt what you feel but you are over-thinking it. Love, you are being too hard on yourself, come here have a hug.”

She left feeling miles better, maybe she wasn’t such a bad person, maybe it would be OK. Arriving home she opened the door and was surprised to see a holdall bag in the hall. It was blocking the entrance so she left the buggy outside and lifted Meghan out. “Will?” she called.

He appeared from out of the kitchen. “what’s the bag for?”

“We need to talk.”

She followed him into the lounge putting Meghan down to play on the floor with her blocks, suddenly an ominous feeling took her over and her heart started to pound.

“Beth I’m moving out. ”She sunk into a chair.

“Why?”

“Things have not been right for a long time, we don’t talk, we don’t sleep in the same room, we don’t agree on anything.”

“But this is normal after having a baby Will, we can work it out, maybe have counselling?”

“Beth I don’t think we love each other enough to try.”

She sunk her face into her hands. How could she have not seen this coming? She was so wrapped up in her own internal pain she wasn’t looking at anything else.”

“Will I am sorry, it’s my fault.”

He kneeled down next to her and moved her hands away. “Look we had a magical love affair and created a beautiful daughter and now its over, lets leave it at that shall we, no blame, no recriminations, we can be friends and great parents.”

Beth started to cry, “Will I can change I can make it OK.”

“Can you, or has your attention gone elsewhere?”

“What do you mean?”

“Last night I saw you had left your keys on the table, I ran after you to give them to you, I saw you get into a Porche and the driver did not look like Abby.”

She looked down at the floor too embarrassed to speak.

“I don’t want to hear any explanation Beth and it hasn’t caused us to break up it was just the catalyst I needed to make a move that was coming anyway.” He went over and kissed Meghan. “I´ll see you soon sweetie.” Then he came over to Beth and kissed her on the cheek. “No hard feelings aye, I´ll call you tomorrow to talk things through.” And with that, he left the house and Beth´s life in ruins.

Chapter 10: Panic Attack

Beth sat at the kitchen table staring aghast at a credit card statement that had just arrived through the letter box.

A month had now passed since Will had left and her like was spiralling out of control. She was now £2500 in debt on the card and had nothing left of the money Will had given her for housekeeping. She started to feel sick. How had this happened?

She knew exactly how. After Will had left Beth had no one to turn to except Adam.  He had been sympathetic at first but had soon become bored of the subject of Beth’s marriage problems. “Darling, do we have to talk about this again,” he moaned when over lunch she had started worrying about how she could afford to stay in the house and how she could cope on her own.

She never mentioned it again to him, she was now free to meet Adam in the evenings as she had been unable to before, she had found the teenage daughter of a neighbour more than willing to babysit, but that was also costing her money. Being with Adam meant the whirl of socialising. She groaned once, “don’t you ever want to just stay in and watch TV?”

He had kissed her and said, “Going out is my business darling, now be a good girl and go and make yourself look beautiful.” Soon she felt she needed to boost her confidence before she went out to deal with the anxiety and one evening she asked Veronica who spent more time in the toilet cubicle on a night out where she scored such good coke.”

“You need to talk to Baz darling, Ill give you his number.”

Then soon she was having the odd line during the day to help with the pain and self-loathing she felt. Baz also started selling her weed which helped with the comedowns too.

Adam had what she thought of as his entourage. They were the group that regularly accompanied them on nights out, a couple of them were minor celebrities, others professional party goers and she was surprised when she increasingly started to see the barman Jamie out with them. Beth always wondered what Adam’s obsession was with always surrounding himself with people. Was it to make himself feel popular? In truth Beth guessed that they were only friends with him as he was an entry ticket to his clubs and restaurants, he would lavish them with free bottles of champagne , access to VIPS areas, lavish meals in his restaurants. However, while she frequently witnessed his friends taking drugs Adam was always in control. She remembered asking him once why he wouldn’t have a line with her while they were getting dressed after a passionate rendezvous at his apartment and he stroked her leg thoughtfully and replied, “I went down that road after Dad died, I don’t want to go back there Beth, you can´t be a victim you have to stay strong, focused.” She wondered if this was a put down to her.

Then the panic attacks started again. She hadn’t had one since the incident when she went back to work after Meghan. She was at home with her daughter when her heart started beating so fast she thought she was going to die, she couldn’t breathe and she collapsed on the floor, clutching her chest. “Mama, mama,” cried her daughter. She managed to dial Will´s number, she didn’t know who else she could speak to, certainly not Adam and Abby lived the other side of town. Will had rented a bedsit around the corner so he could see Meghan regularly and hearing her gasping for breath he ran straight over calling an ambulance on the way.

He came to see her in the hospital ward. “You OK?”

“Yes, I am feeling better thanks, apparently it was a panic attack. I am sorry for calling you I thought I was going to die and I didn’t want Meghan to see.”

“You did the right thing, Beth.”

“Where is she now?”

“She is with my Mum. Look I think it's best that she stays with there for a few weeks. Until you feel better.”

“No Will, it’s fine. I’m fine, I promise, I can handle it, I just can’t be without Meghan, please.”

“Look, Beth, Mum is going to have her to stay just for a bit, I am going to stay there when I can. Just for the record, I think you are a great Mum and a little girl belongs with her Mummy. I would never try to take her away from you. I know you have your issues Beth and I wish to God that I was a better person and could help you through them, but you need to sort them out and I am not the person to help.”

She looked at him through a blur of tears, “Yes I promise Will. I will sort them out, then I will go and pick up Meghan.”

“I got another job in Dubai,” I am going to do a years contract, just to try to make enough money to get everything sorted for us and I will make sure you and Meghan are OK. You can stay in the house until then. When I get back we will talk about selling it. Maybe you could bring Meghan over for a holiday?”

She smiled with gratitude.

Now without Meghan to fill her hours she was feeling incredibly down and lonely but determined to stay off any drugs, she had to sort herself out and get better for her daughter. Rumpling the credit card statement into a ball, she called Adam, “Yeah” he said into the phone. She had noticed a perceptible cooling of his manner towards her in the last week. Now she wasn’t in effect a married woman anymore, the secret assignations were over and she was sure this made her less alluring. She was certainly not going to enlighten him about her stay in a hospital.

“Hi Gorgeous,” she purred into the phone trying to sound sexy, she needed to talk to Adam, he was the only one that could help her out of this mess. “I am at a loose end Meghan has gone to stay with her Granny for a few days thought maybe you might fancy a night in tonight?”

“Sorry babes, no can do. I am tied up with something at work but I’m heading to the Chelsea Ram for a drink with some of the gang now if you want to join us?” There was someone talking in the back-ground, “Look I have to go, maybe see you later,” and he hung up.

Shit, she really didn’t want to be out with a group of people, she thought temptingly about sitting at home on her own with a bottle of wine, but she knew that would sink her into depression. She could go for a couple of drinks, she liked that pub it was cosy she didn’t feel too intimidated there, or the need to look so perfect. She thought about the walk to the tube, then called a cab. She considered  the taxi fare, it would be at least £50 there and back, oh bugger it, maybe Adam would drive her home, she needed to use Adam to get her out of this predicament then she promised herself it was over.

When she arrived at the pub Adam was standing with a group of people at the bar, mostly women who were all laughing at something he had said hysterically,  he waved her over. She sidled over awkwardly, “what will you have?”

“G + T please,” she decided to go and wait over on a comfy leather bench for the drink to arrive rather than having to witness the barely concealed lusting of the group of women over Adam.

Suddenly Jamie sat down next to her. “Oh hi,” she said surprised. “If it isn’t the bard himself?”

He grinned at her, “All the world's a stage!”

“Ha ha, she replied, “not working tonight?”

“I am in a manner of speaking?”

“Not behind the bar?”

“Well no, Adam has given me another project.”

“A promotion?”

“In a manner of speaking, more money anyway.”

“Ah good, well that will help with those tuition fees.”

“Yeah. You look sad. How are things between you and your “sort of” boyfriend.”

She was slightly taken aback by his directness. “Fine thanks.”

“You could do better than him you know?”

Now she was really taken aback, “Um sorry since when was my life any of your business?”

At that moment Adam approached the table carrying Beth’s drink, “ah I see you two have met, I hope you are not trying to chat her up Jamie?”

“She’s way out of my league boss.”

Adam chuckled at this and Beth smiled inwardly to see that Jamie obviously knew how to handle him. “Okay Jamie you scarper now, it is all there in a bag in the office, spend it wisely.” Jamie grinned at her and said cryptically, “the devil makes work for idle hands,” then left.

“Hi babes,” said Adam,” kissing her,” Beth felt vaguely satisfied that the women he had been talking to were glaring daggers at her. “How’s you?”

She tried not to give away the extent of her depression and took a glug of the gin which had the desired effect of sending a warm sensation down her body, the bitter tang of the lemon giving way to the warming glow of the gin. “Ooops got a bit of a shock today,” She tried to sound casual;  “a rather large credit card bill, just trying to work out how I pay it off. I need to get a job; I was wondering if you had anything going, I am not expecting any favours I think you know I am a good worker.”

He looked at her for a moment as if pondering, did he really just come up with what he said next or had it always been in his game plan?

Chapter 11: The Job Offer

Adam had some office space in a newly converted 5 storey building on Baker Street, he had told Beth to come there at 10 the next morning looking smart.

When she arrived in the impressive reception the icy-faced woman sitting behind the large glass desk directed her to the 3rd floor where a sign directed her to “Bartlett Holdings”. On entering a petite raven haired girl dressed trendily in jeans and Ralph Lauren shirt smiled at her from behind a desk.

“Hi, I am Beth, here to see Adam Bartlett.”

“Sure,” said the girl smiling warmly.

There were 5 people behind her working at desks, this was where Adam had told her he managed the accounts, food and beverage orders and the general admin behind his 10 establishments. The secretary led her to an internal office and knocked on the door.

Inside Adam was behind a large wooden antique mahogany desk leaning back in a chair and laughing at something the other person in the room had just said.

“Beth, wow you look awesome.” Beth was wearing a black trouser suit she had dug out from her days in marketing and some killer black heels.

She looked embarrassed and mumbled; “thanks, you look alright yourself,” Adam, in short, looked hot in some black jeans into which was tucked a dark navy shirt with a few buttons undone revealing the start of his muscular torso.

She glanced to the other side of the room and was surprised to see Jamie sitting cross-legged in a leather chair grinning at her. He was wearing faded jeans and a checked shirt with a brown leather jacket over the top and a scarf casually slung around his neck.

“Sit down Beth,” said Adam, “I was just explaining to Jamie that because I count you guys both as friends I am going to be fucking nice to you,” I am going to pay you £500 each for a days work, doing sweet FA essentially.”

“Sounds too good to be true,” pouted Beth.

“Well I always was good to you darling,” he replied nonchalantly taking a brown envelope out of the drawer of his desk. He threw it at Jamie. “Here are 2 fake IDs, I want you to go to 5 different banks or building societies and open up accounts. You will put £5000 into each account, the money will be given to you by yours truly. You are now Mr and Mrs Darcy, I hope you like that Beth I know you always loved Pride and Prejudice.” He chuckled.

“Jesus Christ Adam, what the hell?” shouted Beth, “Is this illegal? I am not bloody well using fake ID, we will get arrested.”

“Tut tut,” Adam did that thing with his teeth again as if cajoling a child, “Beth it is something all business people do, moving a little money around, avoiding some tax. How else are you going to earn £500 in one day. Would you prefer I give you a job in the Chelsea Ram at 8 quid an hour? Jamie here was doing that? Weren’t you mate? But he soon realised that it was going to take him a long time on that kind of money to pay off his student loan and I am in a position to help my friends;” he smiled at them as if he was telling them they had won the lottery. “I understand your credit card bill is two and a half grand Beth, crikey that’s going to be a tough one to pay off on 25% interest.”

Beth was looking at Adam incredulously as if a coin had suddenly dropped and Jamie was looking at her sadly. “How the hell do you know what my credit bill is?”

“Ah Beth you know I have my means, so you’ll do it then?”

Beth looked at Jamie and figured that if he was doing it and he seemed to be fine with it then maybe it would be OK. I mean at £500 a day she could have her debt paid off in 5 working days.

“I am not happy with this Adam but I guess I have no choice at the moment, so I will do it, as long as I know it’s nothing to do with drugs. “Ah Beth he sighed; “it's you with the issues with the class As not me. I can give you my word it’s nothing to do with drugs. Well that settles it, off you go kids, ring me if you have any problems but that ID cost me a fortune, Jamie knows the drill Beth so just try to say as little as possible for today.”

He followed them at of the office and to the receptionist who was gazing adoringly at Adam much to Beth’s disgust, “Laura darling can you supply Mr and Mrs Darcy here with the funds, don’t they make a lovely couple,” he smirked.

Beth and Jamie exited the office and went into the lift. As the doors shut Beth couldn’t get the image out of her head of mirror shattering, where every reflection in the mirror was proven to be false.

She had almost forgotten Jamie was there when she heard his voice, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

“What?” Snapped Beth.

“Pride and Prejudice,” Jamie smirked.

“Can you actually say anything that isn’t a quote?” retorted Beth angrily.

“I find that most things have already been said and can be recounted much better through the words of great literary geniuses than through my own ramblings.”

The lift arrived on the ground floor and they walked into the foyer, Jamie turned to her. “Look, Beth, you seem like a nice person who has got themselves into a bit of a mess, well me too. Let's not beat ourselves up about it, we will do just do this and move on with our lives. “All the world is a stage and all the men and women merely players…… one man in his time plays many parts.”

Beth smiled at him despite herself; “So I have to spend the whole day with you do I? You are going to drive me bloody nuts!”

“Shall we start with a coffee?” he said in reply, “There’s a Costa across the road and I guess if we are to play a married couple we should create a bit of a backup story, like do we have kids?”

“Three,” she grinned, “I always wanted three.”

“Three it is. Come on.”

Sat in a side table in the coffee shop Jamie started to teach her their address and told her to memorise it, then a phone number and some personal details. Suddenly Beth started to feel an anxiety attack coming on, she started to feel faint and dizzy and the ends of her fingers went numb, then she started to find it difficult to take a breath, there was the feeling of panic that she was dying, she grabbed at Jamie who was looking out the window and he suddenly looked at her alarmed.

“What is it Beth,” he looked at her closely, “then said; “OK take some deep breaths.”

She tried to inhale the air deeper into her stomach.

“OK, Beth well done, stay calm it’s just an attack, you are fine, I am here for you OK? That’s good. Now raise your arms up above your head.” Beth obeyed, “ then lower them, OK do it again. You are doing great.”

After 10 minutes Beth had recovered significantly for her to be able to walk outside. He came to find her leaning against a bus shelter.

“I am so sorry,” she said, “It happens sometimes, I can’t control it, how did you know all that stuff it really helped.”

He looked sadly at her, “My Mum had panic attacks, then what they called panic disorder, she was really bad, couldn’t leave the house, I had to look after her. That’s why I left Uni until a bit late.”

She stared at him. “That’s really sad.”

“Yes and it felt to her for years that there was no help, that trying to beat it was impossible and she could not lead a normal life.”

“That’s just how I feel,” replied Beth.

“But people are so much more clued up on mental health issues now, my Mum is doing great, that’s why I felt I could start my own life now. I can help you, Beth.”

Suddenly her eyes filled with tears, “Do you know Jamie, I think you are the first person that has ever said that to me.”

Chapter 12 - The Smurfs

Beth was later to reflect ironically that it was one of her happiest times of her life, that month working with Jamie. Adam sent them out to buy expensive clothes to enhance their disguise as a rich married couple beyond suspicion, they were given money to buyer traveller's cheques, bank drafts and set up bank accounts. At the end of each day, there was a wad of money for them too.

Beth more than paid off her credit card debts but started to accumulate some money, which she looked at as her account for her and Meghan, to start their new life. She visited her daughter at her Grandmothers often and promised that she would take her home the following week.

Beth also met with a therapist that Jamie’s mother had used and she embarked on a line of cognitive therapy that Beth found to be very helpful. If she was honest the reason she also kept on with the work was to keep seeing Jamie.

She was sometimes required to meet Adam in one of his bars at night to receive new instruction or payment but their affair she believed was now over. She had not been tempted to take any substance to enhance her mental state since being with Jamie, he seemed to have an ability to make her feel safe, happy even and she was confused as to whether her feelings for him were gratitude or attraction.

One evening they were say in the Chelsea Ram, Jamie drinking a pint of bitter and Beth enjoying a glass of wine, they had been instructed by Adam to meet him there at 7. He sauntered in at 7:15 and glanced at them before wandering over to the bar and helping himself to a tonic water.

“Hey guys,” he drawled, “you are going to be richer than me soon,” he chuckled to himself, then looked at them seriously, “I hope you are not taking your roles as a couple too far though?” before Beth could resist her drew her to him and kissed her hard on the lips, “Beth is way too good for you Jamie.” He looked menacing.

Beth felt outraged but decided not to react and Jamie looked uncomfortable.

“So your next task should you choose to accept it, is to go and do some gambling!” he laughed. “Here’s a credit card, go and buy yourself a black tie suit Jamie and Beth something gorgeous then I want you to go to 3 casinos and acquire £10,000 of gaming chips.” He appraised their worried glances, “Don’t look so glum, it will be fun!”

The next night Beth met Jamie at Adam’s club in Covent Garden where they were to pick up the money before going to their first casino The Hippodrome in Leicester Square. Beth made her way into the nightclub where the first customers were just arriving. She saw Jamie sitting at the bar sipping on a bottle of Carlsberg.

When he saw her he whistled “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.”

“Sonnet 18, she grinned, my favourite.

“Is it now?” said Jamie, “Well there are some things I still don’t know about you despite us having been married over a month now!”

“There is a lot you don’t know about me, Jamie.” She said taking a seat on the stool next to him. “Vodka tonic please,” she said to the barman.

“Hmm,” he said, “it seems like we need to get to know each other better then?”

“I’d like that,” she said, “wanting to kiss him there and then but knowing that would be foolish in a bar Adam owned, so they just looked at each other knowingly.

They exited the last of the casinos at 3am, feeling slightly wired after so many hours closeted in the surreal atmosphere of the gambling halls.

“So job done,” said Jamie.

“Yeah, fancy finding somewhere a bit quieter for a drink, I think we deserve it.”

“Not sure we will find anywhere quiet at this time in the morning,” laughed Jamie.

“Oh look over there, a square with a park bench, now that will be quiet, my ears are ringing.”

“A park bench, well that is very exotic, let’s try it.”

The walked into a little side street where there was an area of grass bordered by a wrought iron fence and under a tree was a small bench with the usual dedication on it to someone who had passed away.

“So Adam goes to a lot of lengths to avoid tax,” she quipped.

“Beth, please don’t tell me you believe that.”

“What do you mean?”

“This is not tax avoidance this is money laundering.”

“What?” she gasped.

Jamie ran his hands though his hair, he looked incongruous in the black suit he had bought on Adam´s credit card, not his usual casual self. “I thought you knew, shit. I guessed a while back that Adam was using his businesses to launder money, but I think that someone got wind of it and he has got to be careful. He has been left with a stash of dirty money and he is too scared to run it through his businesses at the moment so we are his Smurfs!”

“What?”

“Yep Smurfs is the name given to individuals who exchange dirty money in small sums into a legitimate financial system.”

“Shit!” said Beth, “I knew he was an arsehole but I didn’t know he was a crook.”

“So why are you doing it?”

“He offered me a job once, like you I thought what the hell, just once,” he has used it against me since, saying he will tell my university, get me thrown off the course.”

“Oh no,” said Beth. “What are we going to do?”

“I am stumped; I can’t find any Shakespeare quotes to cover money laundering!”

She grinned despite herself and the shock at what she had just found out about Adam. This was not her Adam, the one she had first met 10 years ago, what had happened to him?

“In the meantime,” he continued “I want to continue the conversation we started earlier.

“Which one was that?” replied Beth.

“The one about getting to know each other better.”

“Aggh,” she said, “that one and I guess you have a few quotes for that.”

“Yep I am sure I could pull a few out of the ether,” He grinned and gently took hold of her hand and gazed seriously at her face, “may I tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

“You may Mr Darcy,” she grinned shyly, but then Elizabeth tells Mr Darcy to get lost!”

“And will you tell me to do that?”

“No, I think I am going to tell you to kiss me.”

“That would be entirely improper Miss Bennet,” he grinned as he pulled her towards him and gently brushed his lips against hers. “Do you think we know each other better yet?”

“No, I think there is still some way to go” smiled Beth.

“How about this?” and he started to kiss her deeply until she gasped.

“I think we know each other far more intimately now.”

He drew back and ran his hand down her arm and inside of her coat until he found her waist and caressed her back through the thin fabric of her expensive dress.

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration find, nor bends with the remover to remove, ah no it is an ever fixed mark which looks on Tempests and is never shaken.”

“I never understood what Shakespeare meant by that;” said Beth her stomach turning somersaults with desire.

“It means will you come back to my place?” he smiled shyly at her.

“There are greater things in heaven and earth.”

“What does that mean?”

“Yes,” she laughed.

Chapter 13: The Boat

The fast speed boat cruised out of the small mariner designed for the watercraft of London’s rich who not content with a riverfront penthouse or a sports car also required a motor launch to display their wealth.

Beth sat in the boat wrapped in a fake fur coat, leather trousers and knee high boots, which she hoped made her look like the wife of a wealthy boat owner. Jamie was beside her, she had to admit he scrubbed up well and looked very dashing in an expensive cashmere coat. There were two crew on board and she shivered despite the huge and very expensive coat. Beth tried to remember how she got to this point.

The day after spending the night in Jamie’s tiny studio flat Brixton she was very confused. Those few passionate hours had been magical, she had never felt so easy in a man's company before. Adam had been dangerous, Will safe and Jamie was just himself. He made her laugh and he had definitely made her very excited, she blushed remembering the night in his bed. Mostly she genuinely liked him. He was clever and cool and funny and for the first time, Beth thought with enthusiasm about the future they could have.

They talked all night about Meghan about his Mum who was the only family he had and about Adam. They decided that whatever happened they had to be free from him. Beth was convinced that she could persuade him to let them leave his employ. She would not tell him about their relationship of course but ask that they both you now go their separate ways.

The promised exchange took place in Adam’s apartment where he had told her to meet him. He opened the door into the vast glass box that was the living area.

“Beth, how lovely to see you, we seem to be seeing less of each other these days. In fact, I think you are beginning to prefer the company of your pretend husband, the penniless student.” He chuckled condescendingly.

“Don’t be stupid Adam, you asked us to work together that is all I have been doing. I appreciate you have helped me out of a hole, but now I have made enough to dig myself out and I want to just go away and start again. I don’t think you will disagree that there is nothing left between us.”

“Oh Beth, you are not planning on doing another disappearing trick on me again are you? Running away like before, leaving me to jump into the arms of another un-suitable woman.”

“Adam I ran away from the image of you screwing another woman and breaking my heart, but do you know what, I am glad we met again. I have closure on it all now and I think we should just part for good. This has cost me my marriage and a great deal more, please just let it be over.”

“Tut tut, if only it was that simple? You are now familiar with my business dealings how do I know I can trust you not to say anything?”

“Adam believe it or not I still love you enough not to want you to go to jail.” He laughed and crossed the room, grabbing her by the back of her head so she could not move, “Adam stop it.”

“Oh Beth you were always my weakness, my little damaged butterfly, so beautiful but so flawed.” He kissed her hard on the lips and she felt suddenly afraid, but then he let go of her and walked over to the window admiring the beautiful panorama.

“Why did you do it Adam, get involved with all this, you were doing well without it?”

“Huh not quite so well,” he replied chewing his lip.

“I spent all of Liz’s money on setting up the businesses but then I had nothing else and huge overheads to deal with. Money, money, money,” He laughed, “always been my downfall. Not easy to be brought up in exalted circumstances then see it all go in one dumb investment of my father’s. I expected to inherit the family firm, to be rich by not doing very much. Then I started to see how the people I thought were friends disappear. Old school chums who felt suddenly embarrassed not I couldn’t pay for the things they could.”

“Is that why you buy your friends now? You little crowd of lap dogs following you around to get freebies.”

“Ha Beth how perceptive you are, maybe that is true. Well, one day I had just had a rather large tax bill, it looked like I could lose everything again like my father, then I happened to bump into Josh Ayres. Guy I met at University, made a killing in the city but then got fired for underhand trading. We got drunk and I told him about my worries. Well, he said he had a contact, needed to clean up a bit of cash. I could do it easily through my business, big dividends.” He laughed nervously. “Well Beth that’s how we are both here and I am unable to jump ship, I would probably end up at the bottom of the Thames if I did, but my little Beth wants my mercy so she can run off with Jamie.”

“Adam I don’t want to run off with anyone I just wanted to pay off my credit card bill and now I want to go and be a mother.”

“OK Beth, I tell you what I will cut you a deal. I am having a few issues with bringing some cash into the country. I have a rather nasty man threatening me with not very nice things. I want you to go on a little boat trip with Jamie, then when you come back I give you my word, that will be that.”

So that was how Beth came to be on a one million pound powerboat speeding out over the Thames towards the ocean. Jamie came and sat down beside her, taking hold of her hand. “So do your really believe him, Beth?”

“Who,”

“Adam, will he really let this be the last job?”

“As much as I detest the guy I think he does care for me, a little bit. When we met we were very much in love, I helped him achieve the success of the first restaurant he might have turned bad but he didn’t start off that way and I don’t think he wants anything bad to happen to me.”

“I wish I had your confidence, Beth,” I think he is an evil bastard who is incapable of thinking of anyone else but himself and he would gladly drag people down with him.”

With what happened next Beth often wondered if what happened on the boat was an accident, could it have been Adam who arranged it to get rid of a problem?

Chapter 14: The Explosion

The plan was to go out of the Thames estuary and to the pretty seaside town of Ramsgate, they were then to meet another vessel just off the coast and pick up the delivery. The followed the river from Canary Wharf, the cold grey water parting as the boat motored on through the vast almost monolithic grey structure of the Thames barrier, with its glistening silver rounded roofs gleaming in the winter sunlight. The huge yellow metal levers which closed off the river to floods rising jaggedly upwards like the legs of huge arachnids.

Once through the barrier the river expanded and many more commercial vessels were visible and it was the captain’s negotiation of one of these that might have saved Beth’s life. The pleasure boat veered in closer to shore giving way to a huge cargo boat l that caused waves to crash into the side of their boat that was dwarfed by the larger ship.

“It’s getting choppy,” shouted Jamie to the skipper.

“Yes, sir I am going to go in closer to the banks where it is calmer.”

Jamie smiled at Beth and grabbed her hand, “Keep calm Beth, it's not that much further now, then we are in Ramsgate.” She smiled at his re-assurance.

All of a sudden there was a loud bang from the cockpit.

The luxury motor launch suddenly omitted a choking sound and the engine cut out, Beth and Jamie were thrown against the boat’s rail as the craft lurched to one side.

They were too shocked to speak at first, until Jamie yelled at the skipper, “what the fuck was that?” The white haired captain looked worried and shouted:

“Stay here,” and headed down into the living area of the boat from where the noise had come from.

Suddenly the unmistakable smell of fire and smoke drifted out of the cabin through the open hatch of the galley.

“Jamie what’s going on? “Wailed Beth then they heard another small explosion. Jamie ran to the sliding glass door which led down some stairs to over one million pounds worth of luxury floating equipment. All he saw past the door was flames. Jamie went ashen. “Beth quick put on a life jacket they are in that locker over there, quick and get me one.”

Jamie had grabbed a fire extinguisher and was trying to get out the pin. Beth pulled on a life jacket but it wouldn’t fit over the stupid coat, so she yanked it off suddenly feeling the chill of the air against her skin. She put on the life jacket, “Jamie quick put one on, what shall we do?”

Jamie had got the fire extinguisher to start emitting white foam and was pumping it into the living area into which the driver had disappeared; he threw the life jacket over his head with his other hand. “I know sweet FA about boats Beth but I reckon once the fire gets to the petrol tank it might explode, we need to jump overboard.”

Beth let out a sound which sounded detached from her body of pure terror. “I can't Jamie, I can’t,”

“Beth jump, please or you will die.”

“Jump with me Jamie.”

“I need to see if I can get Bob out I can’t just leave him to die.”

“Please Beth jump, think of your daughter, wait in the water and I’ll be there in 5 minutes, don’t worry you will get picked up by another boat. Swim as far away from the boat as you can, please.”

The thought of never seeing her daughter again made Beth climb over the rail and jump into the icy water, she let out a gasp as she hit the river. She had never felt cold like it. She started swimming towards the shore after 5 minutes she turned around to see if she could see Jamie and it was at that point that the beautiful boat exploded into a ball of fire which sent a wave of flashing light over the water and she started to cry. She was struggling to breathe now and she lay on her back looking up at the murky light of the sky and not being able to feel her body, but a fierce need for survival took over and she started to kick her legs trying to make it so shore and then she must have passed out.

When she woke up her first thought was that she had died, but the kindly face of a middle aged man was staring down at her and she was lying on some kind of wooden jetty with a blanket over her and surrounded by fishing equipment.

“Can you hear me, love, can you hear me?” Beth nodded weakly.

“Listen I have a boat house just over there, I can carry you, do you think you are strong enough?”

He had carried her 200 ms from the jetty to a wooden shed that contained fishing nets and equipment, there was an old chair in the corner and he placed her gently on it. You need to take your clothes of love quickly before you get hyperthermia, I have a stove here I can light it to get you warm then I’ll call an ambulance.”

“No, please don’t do that,” she said through chattering teeth.

“I’m fine, really I just need to warm up, please just let me stay here a couple of hours then I will just go.”

“But you need to see a doctor.”

“Please if you call an ambulance they will call the police and I can’t answer their questions. Please just help me and let me go.”

“I don’t want to be involved in anything funny business.” Said the man who had lit the stove which was casting out a wonderful warm heat. “You don’t sound like an illegal immigrant?”

“Nothing like that, no. I was on the boat with a nasty person and I need to escape them, please if you call anyone I will get put in prison and I won’t see my daughter, please, believe me, I am not a bad person I just need to walk away and for you to never tell a soul you saw me.”

The man scratched his head thoughtfully and wiped a hand over his craggy weather worn brow. So what would a nice girl like you be doing involved in something like that.”

“A man,” she sighed weakly.

“I saw you out in the water while I was on the jetty fishing, I got into my boat to go and get you. Were you on the boat that exploded out there? Looked like an electrical fault I reckon. Bloody stupid boats like that being in these waters. All seemed like it was out of a movie. Cup of tea?” He gesticulated towards a kettle stood on an old wooden crate.

“Please;” whispered Beth, “I give you my word I am not a criminal or a bad person, I am a normal person in a horrible mess and I am just asking you to let me walk away and never say anything about this.”

He looked at her and said seriously, “Well it's not every day something like this happens and I guess if I told anyone they wouldn’t believe me anyhow so I think we can agree on that but on the condition that you have this cup of tea first and get out of those wet clothes. I have some old overalls I could lend you if you like, and it will be a secret I take to my grave.” He put a grubby hand on his thick woolly jumper where his heart would be and winked at her.

The man, who was called Ted did more than that, she would always think of him as her guardian angel, he drove her to a bus stop, leant her £20 and told her to call him and tell him she was OK, or else he would tell someone everything. She kept her promise.

When she had finally arrived home, she had to break in as she had lost her bag. She tried calling Adam repeatedly but got no reply. She went to his office but was told he had had to leave town for a few days. She lived for days in the hope that Jamie would call to say he was OK. She was too scared to ask at hospitals or with the police in case they because suspicious of her and so her fear turned into intense and agonising grief and she started to mourn Jamie who she believed must be dead.

Her life took on a surreal quality as if sometimes she wondered if the last month had been a dream. She gave up trying to get in touch with Adam to ask what had gone on and prayed that she was finally free of him. She brought Meghan back home and made a solemn vow to her daughter that she would never touch drugs again and that she would get better for her sake.

Two weeks passed and she was going to the cognitive therapy that Jamie had recommended and starting to feel better able to handle her anxiety, but once her daughter had gone to bed she would spend evenings crying for the loss of Jamie, trying to remember his face and all their conversations. She started to read Shakespeare plays for the first time in years imagining how she would now be able to out quote him any day!

One morning while Meghan was at crèche her mobile range and she gasped as she saw Adam’s name flash up on the screen. She took a deep breath and answered.

“Adam where the hell have you been?”

“Why have you missed me, Beth?”

“No I fucking haven’t Adam, what the hell happened on that boat and where is Jamie?” she tried to sound strong.

“Beth I have no idea what happened on that boat or what happened to Jamie, I was hoping you could tell me. How did you get away?”

“There was a fire, an explosion, I swam towards the shore and a fisherman rescued me.”

“Well Beth how very poetic, I would imagine Jamie is dead, I believe they found the body of the captain but no signs of your poor boyfriend, I imagine he was eaten by the fishes.” He laughed in a cruel way that Beth could not fathom.

“Where have you been Adam, I have tried to call you, I have been to the office, your apartment but you disappeared?”

“Yes it was my turn to do the disappearing act this time Beth, your little boating mishap has caused me a few problems.”

“Was it an accident Adam?” Beth held her breath.

“I don’t know,” Adam sounded genuine, “maybe or maybe someone knew about my little venture and didn’t like it.”

“Shit Adam, how did you get into this crap and how could you get us into it?”

“You were willing participants I seem to remember. Look come and meet me at the Chelsea Ram at one.”

“I don’t want to see you, Adam.”

“But I want to see you, Beth, please come otherwise I could make your life tricky for you.”

So that was how Beth came to be in the Chelsea Ram that day when she saw the police missing picture of Jamie. She wanted to tell Adam that this was it, wanted his confirmation that she was free. That was when he had led her to the office upstairs and kissed her.

When he stopped she tried to regain her breath. “Oh, poor darling,” he said like he was comforting a child, “Do you still get your little attacks, you were very good at trying to hide them from me but I know you better than anyone.” He stood back and looked at her. “I am surprised you made it to shore, with your little disability!” he laughed, “thought you would have drowned like a rat like Jamie did.” She let out a cry as she tried to steady her breathing.

“You can’t do anything to me anymore Adam, I have nothing left so I need to tell his mother she has to know what happened.

He was standing with his face pushed nearly up to hers: “That’s not quite true though is it sweetheart? You do have something left, your little Meghan. “No Beth you will never even mention his name again otherwise I dread to think of what accidents can happen to little girls, yes it would be such a shame if she accidentally got run over, or drowned in one of those ponds near your house or even worse died in a house fire.” He paused and she collapsed to the floor, her heart felt like it was in a clamp.

He looked down at her and laughed, “Come downstairs when you pull yourself together won’t you.”

“When did you become this person Adam?” she gasped.

He smiled; “Needs must darling, and I am not going to let you or your boyfriend Jamie ruin what I have built up. Perhaps if you hadn’t fallen apart back then we would have still been together then I would never have go into this shit”

“Adam, I never want to see you again,” she suddenly found the strength to spit at him, “I did what you asked and now I want to be free.”

“Beth you will never be free of me.” With that, he stormed out of the office and downstairs.

She tried to regulate her breathing as tears ran down her face. How could she have been so stupid? She had built up a life, stability, a family and thrown it all away again for someone so vile. But Adam had brought her Jamie and she had seen a brief glimmer of a happiness she had never known but now he was dead.

Chapter 15: The Arrest

Adam left Beth in the office in tears, she picked herself up and began to walk down the stairs when suddenly she heard some loud voices and bangs coming from the bar downstairs. When she got to the bottom of the stairs she peered into the bar and took a sharp intake of breath.

Adam had been surrounded by three men in police uniform and was handcuffed, a 4th man in plain clothes was reading him his rights, “Adam Bartlett, you do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.”

Jed was behind the bar open mouthed and the group of customers had formed a group of surprised lookers on. Adam was then led away but something made him turn and he saw her peering around the door and smiled mouthing; “Goodbye Beth.”

It was only when the commotion had died down that Beth slipped out of the back door behind the kitchen quietly. She walked towards the tube her head spinning and as she descended down into the sterile depths of the tube network she felt like a POA must have felt descending into a tunnel and out to freedom.

Emerging out of the Clapham Common station she realised it was time to pick up Meghan from nursery so she started to walk along the road which skirted the common towards the school.

On entering the little room where Meghan was she picked up the delighted child kissing her little face and hands. “It’s all about us now Megs,” she whispered into the child’s ear.

On leaving the school she realised she did not have the buggy so she took the little girls hand and started off at a slow pace. “Shall we go to the playground Meghan?”

“Yep, swings,” replied the little girl. Beth smiled contentedly and they set off.

At the playground, she took a seat on the bench and watched the child climbing up the slide and careering down it laughing.

“The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven's lieutenants.”

She heard a voice behind her and whirled around.

“Jamie,” she gasped and before she knew it she had jumped up and was hugging him tightly. Then she started to cry. “I thought you were dead.”

“I know. Sorry about that.”

“What happened?” She stroked his face tenderly as if he were a ghost.

“It’s a long story, fancy finding somewhere to talk.”

Then Meghan ran over pulling at her mother; “Mama who dat?” she asked.

Jamie bent down to her level, “Hi Meghan, I am Jamie, I have heard all about you, do you think we can be friends?”

“Yep,” said the little girl laughing.

Beth felt like she was in a dream; “I live right around the corner, fancy coming back to my place?”

“There are greater things in heaven and earth,” he grinned and they walked off hand in hand.

Once Beth had got Meghan to sleep that night she cooked some pasta and they sat in her kitchen and Jamie told the story.

“I tried to fight the fire to try to get Bob out. I soon realised it was hopeless. I could see you in the distance and wanted to swim to you but just as I was jumping the boat exploded and I was thrown into the air, I must have been knocked unconscious but the life vest saved me.

“Obviously the explosion had not gone unnoticed with so many ships about,” he continued taking the glass of wine she offered him. “One of them saw me and fished me out. I came round in hospital. The incident was being investigated by the maritime police and I was interviewed. My first concern was for you and when I asked the police they said no one else had been found: I was bereft.”

“The next day a police Detective inspector came to visit me. He was involved in an investigation of a certain businessman,” Beth raised her eyebrows; “yes you have guessed it, Adam. Well, he told me he understood that I worked for him and wanted to know what I was doing on the boat, which had been chartered by Bartlett holdings. He wanted to know if it had any connections to a vessel which had been apprehended off Ramsgate carrying large quantities of cash.”

“To cut a long story short;” Jamie continued, “he wanted me to help police with their enquiries and for me to testify against Adam. They felt it best that while they were putting together a case against him that I disappear.”

Beth took a sip of wine; “I saw a Missing Poster for you in the Chelsea Ram?”

“Yes,” grinned Jamie, “a smoke screen.”

“Well as you can guess I pretty much hated Adam by this stage but mostly because of the hold he had over you. I knew unless he went down you would never be free. I agreed to help them but on the condition I could have a phone call. I called your mobile and you answered, I hung up but I knew you must have been Okay. I didn’t want to involve you so I never mentioned your name. I have agreed to be a witness against him in return for a suspended sentence.”

“But your university degree?”

“Well, they have promised to fix it so that that they will take me back next year.”

“But why did you agree to testify, it could be dangerous?”

“Can you not guess Beth? He would never have let you go and I knew if we were ever to have a future Adam has to be behind bars.”

“So you think we have a future together?”

“Hear my soul speak: the very instant that I saw you, did My heart fly to your service”

“Ugggh groaned Beth you need to start coming up with your own lines.”

“Okay,” he mocked insult and leaned over and took her hands kissing them, how´s this, “Beth, I loved you from the first moment I saw you, I love you for who you are and from now on my only mission in life, apart from learning Shakespeare quotes, will be to make you happy. How’s that?”

Beth smiled.

THE END